5/3/2001

Things just haven't stopped being hectic recently...still lots of work to do, plenty to last me for some time. And I need to e-mail my father, and call my mother, but I have basically to hide from them a lot of the stuff that's been happening recently. Like, I don't feel like talking about losing my job. Hopefully, I can pick something else up to tide me over until I leave, and then I don't need to bother to tell them.

Oh, and I have a kitty now! She's adorable...and, well, technically, she's on loan. But she came from the pound, and she has a kitty cold right now, and hadn't eaten anything for several days until 10 minutes ago. So I was getting worried, but hopefully, she'll keep eating, and I won't need to take her to the vet tomorrow. But, she's adorable, and cuddly, and doesn't seem to mind me singing to her, so I'm happy :-) I suppose I'm technically not allowed to have any pets here, but nobody seemed to notice when I brought a meowing box into the building, and she hasn't trashed anything yet, so she should be fine for two months.

Okay, so I really must go do stuff. Like, a whole lot of stuff.


10/3/2001

Sigh. Things are stressing me out. My father isn't responding to me, I'm not getting work done, I have two exams on Tuesday...what else? Oh, not much else, I suppose. I got an album in the mail that I had ordered way, way back, like when I still had Christmas money left, and it's wonderful...very obscure, from the guitarist of a band called the 77s. And tonight I discovered a truly beautiful song, "Ache Beautiful"...

You're so far away
and i won't see you any day soon
We came a long way
and now you want to fly to the moon
All alone going your own way
i thought i owned your love
and now you say

ache, ache beautiful for me
go along and ache
ache beauty babe

Thought love was here to stay
for years, but now it's down to days
and it's one long long day
to Heathrow from Humboldt bay
love was a song we sang
so beautifully
and can it be gone permanently
and you say

ache, ache beautiful for me
come along and ache
ache beauty babe

yeah, ache, ache beautiful
--but all this heart can do is break,
so take a piece...

you say you're young, too young
you want to just live for today
but true love don't come along every day
and you say...

yeah ache, ache beautiful for me
above me you can sail
duty free
and you say

ache, ache beautiful
but no heart ever breaks
beautifully...

And yeah, so I just quoted the whole thing, but it's not like I've been filling up the space recently otherwise.

Oh, in better news, the kitten seems to be doing well; finally eating, though she refuses to eat anything dry, i.e. cheap, which is rather frustrating, but we'll work on that. I now have a job, so that crisis should pass, though there's a huge delay in actually getting paid. This makes me thankful for a credit card, I guess.

And my stomach is hurting, why I don't know...so I'm going to go sleep now. I'm sure I'll write more soon...


11/3/2001

Sigh. I'm in a bad mood again. I guess it stems from getting absolutely nothing accomplished over the weekend--but what's new? And a friend of mine, who I thought was a good friend, isn't doing too well, but isn't letting me the friend she could probably use, either. It's so frustrating to watch someone I care about experience such pain but be so helpless.

I went over to see, well, I'll call her S, tonight, and it was tough--to sit by, knowing the pain she's feeling but pretty much stuck merely sitting by. And then on the way home I had "Ache Beautiful" stuck in my head, and my thoughts wandered all over the place. I somehow ended up thinking about, well, how I'm not all that happy where I am right now. I love living, and learning, but I've really come to dislike the current direction of my schooling. I loved my geography course, with interesting readings and discussions, and I like economics, and I like the philosophy I'm reading--but I dislike writing 10 page analyses of 3 lines by Marx, and 4-hour, amazingly tedious organic chemistry labs. I was trying to think of what I would like to be doing, regardless of any restrictions. I think that I would, ideally, like to be able to divide my time between all sorts of things--studiying, and working, and singing, and seeing new things...but I suppose in reality I have to compartmentalize everything, and right now is the time when I study. And this summer I work, and then I go back to studying full-time.

I hate this feeling that there isn't really anyone who particularly cares about me. Certainly, my parents aren't really there for me, or anyone else in my family, and any real friends I have are far away, and no one here is all that interested in caring. This isn't about wanting to be in a relationship at all--this is just about wishing I felt like there was someone I could talk to who really cared about me. I get rather tired of caring so much about other people, but getting, well, not all that much back. It's a situation I'm far too used to, and one that gets so old...

And so I ache, ache beautiful...


12/3/2001

Not much to say. I feel like total crap, and I'm going to bomb two midterms tomorrow. So, what am I doing? Avoiding studying by poking around old salon.com articles. Arrrrrg. But I did find one that I want to link here, so I'll remember it, and maybe reread it sometime when I actually have time to think non-stressful thoughts.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1999/11/19/reunion/index.html -- that's it. And now I really am going to study, as hopeless as it is now.


14/3/2001

I'm scared. I don't know what's been wrong with me, and neither do the doctors--well, it could be anything. Blood tests don't come back for a few days, and in the meantime I have to work through it and try to go back to class and explain to my teachers why I didn't take their exams. Tomorrow should be lots of fun. And I'm tired, of course--par for the course this week. And my father still hasn't responded to my e-mail. Grrrrr. I guess I'll send him another one, and remind him that I really need to pay rent soon. Sigh.

So, I'm not in the best of moods. My head hurts. A lot. I think I'll go sleep now. But it's only 9...hmmm...


23/3/2001

Wow. It has been way too long since I last wrote. Sigh. Sickness, work, stress...everything piled up. And I got quite sick, again, and unable to do stuff, and everyone was on my back. But I suppose things are getting better now. Classes end far too soon, like, in three weeks. This schedule is so crazy...

And I keep typing the wrong things, because I've gotten used to this keyboard layout, but at work I have to use the standard US one, and things like brackets are in different places. And I need those for HTML, but I type commas, instead. But anyway...

Oh, let's see...my father's been a huge pain recently. I went to all that trouble of giving him all the numbers he needed, and he just didn't respond. So I've been sending him lots of e-mails, getting progressively more terse. Finally, he sent me this today. I must mention that though I omit my name, it's amusing, because I used my name followed by a colon. So friendly...

I know you sent the info a few weeks ago. It took you a while to prepare, and it will take me a while to review. I also have to fit it into the household budget. I realize that having you live at home is not an option. I should be able to finish by this weekend. I will also try and complete the financial aid info too.
Love, Dad

Sigh. Is that supposed to be a good thing? I just don't get him, at all. Living at home is not an option...hmmm. I don't know. I just hope he gets back to me soon. I need to put a deposit on this apartment very soon--Monday would be good--before it goes away. If I get it, everything works out nicely, but if not, I have no idea what will happen. So, I'll just hope for the best...

And now, I think it's bed time for me. I need to clean my apartment, but of course I didn't, but I have people coming to visit tomorrow, hopefully to sublease the place, and it's a dump right now...so I should sleep, and get up and clean the place. I'll try to get back in the habit of writing regularly...


26/3/2001

Hmm. So, that wasn't how I expected to spend my evening. I called my father. He refused to tell me anything--and this is weird. He's now withholding from me the ability to have decent housing next year. It's like he realized that it's something he can hold over my head, and now he's decided that he has to use it. Sigh. At any rate, I told M to go ahead and put the deposit down on the place tomorrow, and I'll work my father some more. This can work out, I think. We'll see.

So then I went to waste time at S's, and didn't get back until around 11:30, talked to M for a while about apartment stuff, and then I messaged T. Ended up getting in a rather long conversation about her guy problems, and I think I was being fine until near the end, when I may have let the sleepiness get to me a bit too much, and may have said something I'm sure I shouldn't have. I have various defenses to keep me from wanting her back, but it seems that any of them can be dissolved with the right amount of exhaustion, in whatever form. I would usually end up attempting to make light of the whole situation for my own sake; try to laugh at the fact that, well, she's dating a 32 year old. But tonight I was struck by just how much I care about this person, as silly as she's acting, as confused as she is--dammit, she's still the most amazing person I've ever known. Shouldn't there be plenty more amazing people, people who have such crazy ideas of what they want from life and living, who plan to give and take more than most of the world ever bothers to dream? Maybe there should, but I haven't seen them. Of all the people I've talked to and interacted with, no one's really impressed me. And I've been looking hard, shouting "impress me!" to everyone. But no luck...and that was one thing that T did so uniquely--she impressed me, in a million ways.

And now I'm just being still sillier. I have 10 French journal entries to write tonight, and instead, I'm just writing more stuff that she'll read sooner or later, and I'm not going to delete any of this. I don't even want to read back over it, because then I'll probably see things I wouldn't say if I was more awake or in a different mood, but I want to resist the urge to self-censor. I don't want to argue with myself at the moment about whether I should.

I started to mention as she left that I had been almost amused, in some strange way, when she mentioned in passing that she didn't mean to assume that I wanted to see her this summer. The irony of it all was, well, rather silly--that she's worried that I want to talk to her, and I could write essays about how I've missed her. But then, there's the problem, I guess--I miss her smile and her voice so much, and talking to her about random ideas and places and all sorts of things, but I also miss long walks together and innocent little pecks on the cheek and holding hands and seeing her parents and cooking dinner and all sorts of other things--and what's okay now? She told me once that some of that is fine, but the rest of it isn't. I forget which parts are okay to keep, or maybe I lost the distinctions in my head. When she first told me to distinguish, to draw a line and live by it, I told her I couldn't. And then I did the best I could to abide by it...and now, I just don't know where the line went. And that can't be a good thing, if she's still expecting some line to be there. I sure as heck don't know what happened to it. Maybe I can do something to make it come back? I don't know...

Oh, and the timing of this--I just got an e-mail reminder that the Train album comes out tomorrow. And now I'm listening to "Drops of Jupiter"...tell me, did you fall for a shooting star, one without a permanent scar--and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

But I think I already posted most of that song a while ago, anyway...but now I can't get it out of my head. Which is great, at 3 AM. Sigh.

And okay, since I just ran out of gas, I'm going to go write my journal entries. Even though I just want to go to sleep now...


27/3/2001

And now I'm in an odd mood. I don't want to finish this work I started, but I have to, of course...and I ate all my Cadbury mini eggs! Awww...now what am I going to eat?

Over the weekend, I did an excellent job of work avoidance. I cleaned my apartment, hung out with friends--I even read a book! I picked it up at the used book store on Friday, and it was pretty good. Slapstick, by Kurt Vonnegut--not his best, but amusing and biting at times. He was certainly a strange guy, though. In the prologue he writes about his ideas of love, and, well, he writes about he's never really felt "love," but merely varying periods of "common decency." And I guess it's all semantics, but I guess it just reminded me of how different everyone's ideas of relationships and love and caring and "common decency" can be. And I'm going nowhere with this. I think I'll stop.

And how the heck can anyone possibly attempt a discussion about the existence of alternate realities without rigorously defining reality?? Come on. That's just silly. Just yesterday, my philosophy professor was discussing Nietschze's idea that everyone makes his or her own reality, and what is "real" is naturally subjective, making the "truth" impossible to ascertain. But anyway...

And a truly great line from Slapstick--and I'm not sure if I should even attempt to contextualize this. Well, so, this main character has this idea that everyone in America will be issued a new middle name, hyphenated with a number from 1 to 20, making anyone with the same name and number your brother sister, and anyone with the same name your cousin, and giving everyone an instant family of 10,000 brothers and sisters, and 190,000 cousins. Oh, he ran for president, with buttons that had the slogan, "Lonesome No More!"

At any rate, people asked him what would happen if, well, they were given relatives they just didn't like. His response? "I personally will be very disappointed, if you do not say to artificial relatives you hate, after I am elected, 'Brother or Sister or Cousin,' as the case may be, 'why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?'"

And it's just so out of the blue that it's sure to catch the reader off-guard, and, well, it amused me :-)

And I'm trying to get a gauge on my mood, and I really have myself confused...I just don't know what it is, really. I suppose it's stuff from last night...I'm not really sure what I said or didn't say or should or shouldn't have said.

This wasn't my plan. I was going to be fine on my own until I returned home, and then I would figure things out from there...but no, this had to come along a bit early and mess everything up. Sigh. And I'm just continuing to act like a fool. I need to stop this. I need to go take a nap, and think of something else--I could start with my mountain of pending work, and go back to assuming that everything will work out, somehow. But I just want to take a nap first...and I think I'll do that now...


28/3/2001

I am in an awful mood tonight. I can't quite place it--I guess part of it is from being at work all afternoon, and being generally tired. And I guess I'm a bit bitter about T. She reminded me how nice it was to talk to her, and then she hasn't talked to me since. I suppose it's only two days. But she's out. I presume she made her decision...maybe she'll talk to me sometime fairly soon. Who knows. Sometimes it feels like I still know her better than she does, in some ways.

At any rate, I also got the new Train CD, which I guess isn't helping. I mean, I really like it, but sort of in the same way as the last one, it's eerily relevant to far too many unpleasant situations in my life. Right now I'm listening to "Something More":

Hey baby why you trying to keep away for so long
I stopped feeling good, somehow I just knew I would
I guess I'll sleep another hour
Feels like I'm wasting my time
Hanging on this same old line
Got to get you off of my mind
There's nothing left for me to find

And all the more I want
All the more I need
All the while you want something more

...There's nothing left for me to say
Wanting what I need this way
And when I'm feeling low I know
I need to stop

And someday you will see
All the more you want
All the more you'll need me
All the while I want something more
I want something more
I want something more than this

And right now I wish I could just not care what she thinks of me, or if she wants to talk to me, or whatever. But I talked to her, and liked it, and I'm stuck again with the reality that for whatever reasons, and I'm sure there are plenty, well, she has better things to do than talk to me. And sure, I have better things to do, too, but I'm stupid enough to worry about this rather than getting actual work done. Okay. I'm going. I'll probably write more later.


29/3/2001

The thing about this album isn't that it's incredibly deep, or amazing technically, or anything like that--in fact, this group has little in common with anything else I usually listen to. The weird thing is that it seems like these songs were written by someone who's been living my life for the past couple of years or so. And I don't have to reach to see that--it's just, well, eerily relevant.

'Cause I could be
That everything you need
And I know this could be
That free fall back to me

And I should write about something else now. But I don't want to. Most aspects of my life are in shambles at the moment. I haven't paid rent in almost 3 months. I presume that my father will remember that I told him I need rent money. Perhaps. I also presume that I won't be evicted or anything.

Oh, and then there are classes, which are also great. Over far too soon. I'm not too worried about econ or french, but philosophy has lots of paper writing involved, and I don't know what to think about organic, at all. But soon enough, this will all be over and I'll be back in NC. And then I get to deal with a whole host of other issues. I simply cannot wait. But hopefully I'll then be moving into my own place, and I enjoy that job, and it will be summer. And everything will be fine. :-)

I've been sounding awfully melancholy, haven't I? I think it just stems from worrying about all the practical stuff that is showing few signs of working out, along with all the people that have decided they don't feel like treating me well at all. Oh, well, though. I don't want to whine. It will work out, I'm sure. And I should run to class now.


31/3/2001

SLAM!

I just shut that door. Shut it for good...and now I'm piling up furniture behind it so it won't open again any time soon. I've left it cracked for far too long...but no longer. It's shut. Finally.

And I'm sorry if that seemed like a cheesy metaphor, or if it just made no sense at all. It's just something I had eneded to do for a while, and couldn't figure out any better way to communicate it at all.

At any rate...I was in a rather bad mood last night, and couldn't quite place why. I think my week has been one of those sort of Rodney Dangerfield weeks--I got no respect, no respect from anyone! My father seems incapable of having a sane conversation with me, so he's back to ignoring me and presumably hoping I'll vanish into the Great White North. T just annoyed me--I compared it last night so someone just calling me up, saying, "Oh, by the way--don't forget. You're lonely," and then hanging up. Wonderful. Not that I want anything from her, above being treated better than that. And even the cat has been pissed at me! See, my apartment is a studio, with just sort of one room, and the kitchen has this open bar, which is right above my bed and some shelves. Kate--the cat, of course, and I suppose I can use her full name--was having lots of fun jumping from my bed to the shelves straight to the kitchen counter, and poking around my dishes and pots and such, and generally annoying me--and I don't want her paws on my clean dishes! So I erected sort of a wall on the counter, of cereal boxes, soda 12-packs, and pasta boxes, and now she just goes over to the shelves, looks up it, and gives me nasty looks.

ARRRRGGGG! My father just finally sent me an e-mail, but, as usual, responded to less than half of what he needed to respond to. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. And I guess I'll write back...but not now. That would be bad. No, but I need to respond, because I HAVEN'T PAID RENT FOR THREE MONTHS. I don't see what he doesn't understand about this situation. I would think it would be fairly clear. But, no. And he actually wrote at the end: "Please e-mail me back if you have any concerns or comments."

Okay. Not going to talk about that any more. I need to go get milk, because my milk went from seeming fine two days ago to separating into two layers today. Wonderful. And I need Dr. Pepper, for when I watch basketball tonight. So, I'm out.


Shades of Gray