Yeah, so, well, I haven't written for a while again. Pretty much every aspect of my life has been in flux for the past week or so, what with moving and a whole host of other things popping up. I'm supposed to start my second job today, come to think of it, and I never got in touch with the guy I'm supposed to work for. Doh. I should e-mail him now.


Whew! Last week was, umm, quite a week. But I survived, I guess...I may or may not write about it. I don't particularly feel like doing so right now. I'm kind of grouchy because I haven't eaten since breakfast, which was more than five hours ago, and I only had one bowl of cereal then, but now I'm stuck in the middle of a protocol that requires that I monitor stuff every 15 minutes for the next 45 minutes, so I can't go and get anything--because I forgot my lunch, of course, so I have to go buy something--so, well, I'm rather hungry, and have a slight headache. And I will stop whining now. I have to run and transfer stuff--back in five minutes...

Back. Not much has changed in the past five minutes. Anyway...oh, this morning, the woman from Social Services called me and left her name and number, but no reason why she called, or anything, and I called the number, but it just gave her name, and that just really annoys me, so I didn't leave a message. At any rate, she called back several hours later and revealed that she's from Social Services, which was sort of nice to know, and then started asking me all these questions, but I was sitting in the middle of the lab, so, well, that was rather awkward. So I told her I'd call her back, so I just need to find a more private phone somewhere. She started off by asking if I thought my sister was safe in my father's house, and then it was downhill from there. So, I'll call back this afternoon, probably...

Time for the next round. Back in 5, maybe...


Sigh. So I came to work, for some reason or another...I have stuff that I've been meaning to do, but now that I'm here, I don't really feel like doing it. But it's nice to be able to play around on the Internet and play music as loud as I want, I suppose. It's just kind of odd to be doing so in the lab...but nobody else is really here, so it's...I don't know how to describe it, really. Anyway.

I'm in a bad mood, I guess, which is probably part of why I wanted out of my apartment so much, but then, it's not too different here, so I might actually have to do what I intended to do in the first place, and actually accomplish something. But I don't particularly feel like it...yeah. I'm not so much in a bad mood as, perhaps a rather restless mood. This is one of those times when I get frustrated with where I am, what I've been doing, what I'm going to do...I just knocked the ship of my life and plans and whatnot significantly off the course it probably would have taken for the rest of the summer, but what will really become of that? I don't know. I should probably just work on being more patient. Maybe things would work out better if I was just more patient. I don't really know of any time in the past year or so when I've really been able to be extremely patient in some larger sense, which wasn't always a bad thing, but in the bigger picture, seems to hurt me repeatedly. So I'm trying to push myself into being more patient, because it's best for everyone, but I have so little practice with that, at least recently.

And this new album I got is such great bad mood music! Woohoo! By the guy who's consistently in a worse mood than me, at least, would seem to be, if you assume that his music completely reflects him. It's the old standby black, homosexual, 50 year old bass player/lead singer from King's X (oh, the sacrilege!)...and now, I will paste lyrics, because I don't have enough to write, and I feel like filling space--a little 31-second ditty, "Wrong Address":

Since I started breathing again and falling apart now and then
A hundred million thoughts of you
Wishing you were here
Nothing I can do
So I stop believing again
I shut it down
I shake your hand
A hundred million feelings too
It drives me crazy wanting you
Heaven sent an angel and took it back from me

And that's actually somewhat relevant. I didn't realize that until I searched out the lyrics to paste them in. Goooooo, subconscious!

I keep trying to pinpoint what my mood is under all this, and I'm pretty confused. But what's new? Nothing much there, I suppose. Patience! It's a virtue, right? Or something. I think the only times I'm really patient are when I'm just being apathetic, and it can be fairly easily miscast as patience. I'm trying very hard to be more honest with myself the past several weeks, and I've succeeded in ways, perhaps too late, but I think that's something I really need to keep working on. Far too often, it's just too much easier not to bother, to go with whatever works or feels nice or seems good, but the major mistakes of my life were caused not so much because I was dishonest to others, though that was sometimes a byproduct, but because I wasn't honest and straightforward with myself, which I never really expected to be a problem. I suppose I had assumed that the years and years of introvertedness would have properly prepared me to examine myself rigorously enough, but somewhere along the way I stopped doing that so much, and that became a problem at times.

And I feel like I'm writing rather vaguely today, and I can't quite tell why. I'm not making any conscious effort to do so, but it's what's coming through in the words, and it's getting on my nerves.

And I should go, because I'm not getting any work done, and friends of mine whom I haven't seen in a while are having a get-together now, and I intended to go, and I need to go and be social and get out of this funk, but I'm not feeling all that much desire to do so. I feel so moody today, because I was in a really good mood, and then reality hit, so I wasn't, and then I was fine for a while, and now I'm just blah. I get the feeling some times, and I suppose this is one of them, that I manage, one way or another, to alienate most people I care about. It's an odd feeling, and largely avoidable, I'm sure. Like if I just got up and bothered to walk over to where all these people are, I would see them for the first time in a while. But somehow I can't do that, at least not yet. I'm confusing myself. But that's not all, I guess...I just manage to mess up just about every relationship of every type, it seems. My parents, my friends, whomever...I've got to be doing something very wrong here.

And I feel like I should at least get up from the computer now, so I'll leave with another snippet...I just had the thought of putting this on my front page, juxtaposed with a line I had on there earlier, "I really want to know what it feels like to have and hold a precious love, love like gold"--or maybe this is just some inside joke to me, or something...but on another note, this will get me banned by CyberSitter. Oh, well...

Tell me about the part where Jesus saves
Everything I do gets all fucked up

Hmmm, so I didn't go. I made it to the door, saw the torrential rain, and turned around. I'm somehow in the mood not to get wet, whatever that says. I usually wouldn't really mind, but I guess I wasn't needed an especially good reason not to leave here, so that was enough. Oh, well. I'll leave when it stops raining.

And I haven't been very good about writing here recently, due mostly to my inability to get online at times when I have the most to write. I suppose I could type things on my laptop, then bring them in and post them, but I just haven't gotten around to doing that. I probably will at some point. Maybe. I guess a lot of my thoughts have recently been ending up in letters to random people, people who perhaps don't really care to read them, but since when has that mattered? This is what I do--I ramble about myself and life and everything and hope that I can find people who care. And I'm feeling awfully cynical! I should really get out of here, go and walk and socialize and become more optimistic or something...so, I think I'll go now.


Whoa. It's been 12 days since I last wrote! And what a mediocre 12 days, too. Busy, but otherwise generally forgettable. And yesterday I realized that classes start back up in two months. How scary! I had no idea that so much of summer had already flown by. Sigh.

And I had a rare urge to write poetry last night, but couldn't bring myself to the point of actually writing it. It was more along the lines of thinking in poetry, but it all felt so silly and pretentious as I played around with it in my head, like nobody else would get it, anyway, so I convinced myself not to bother. Which may have been a bad thing, but probably not. I'm fairly certain it wasn't very good.

And I still laugh when I look at that line from the end of the first May 16th entry. Heehee! Or maybe it just amuses me...but! I must go, as usual, because I have, like, zero free time, and people I want to communicate with, but I'm always behind on communicating with people I want to communicate with, and I inevitably forget and make people feel slighted, which is odd, because I've never had to worry before about anyone, with the exception of my parents, actually caring if I communicated with them, but now, all of a sudden, there are several people who notice, and it's odd. But there are still plenty of people who don't care, so I'll just keep that in mind, I suppose. I'm still meaningless in the whole scheme of things, after all. And I'm in an odd mood again, one where I feel like putting exclamation points in random places, so I have to keep deleting them, because they look generally silly and remind me far too much of the writing style of, say, my stepsister. Whee!

It's almost as if I'm giddy, but I have no idea why or how or anything, really. Lots of people that I know are leaving today or tomorrow, so it's going to get a lot quieter around here, and then I'll be back to just working and being reminded of how lonely things are, really, except for situations that won't make sense any time in the foreseeable future. And I keep dreaming, dreaming of a million ways things could become more pleasant, but never expecting any of them to happen. And they haven't so far, really, so why expect them to now? I suppose that right now I'm not even feeling all that optimistic. So maybe the mood I have is just the result of being smacked in the face with reality for the umpteenth time this summer, but now I'm so used to it that I can't even be all that affected. Which is sad, I guess, but I move on. I'll be back to manufacturing a more pleasant artificial reality soon enough, but until then, I can at least be more or less oblivious to what's going on. Gooooo, protective mechanisms!

And I'm at work! I should be working! Must run. Will write more some time, perhaps soon.

Shades of Gray