Hmmm. I'm not very happy with what people have been assuming or inferring or interpreting based on what they read here, so I'm leaning towards not writing much, at least here, for a little while. I can put stuff back here when those involved gain some perspective, I suppose. Or maybe I'll just avoid talking about certain things, but then that defeats the purpose. Sigh. Oh, well. I'm going to go home very soon. I want to stop somewhere and get salsa, but I don't know where I could go...maybe just a drug store or something. I dunno. But I'm going now...

Deep in the desert
One flower standing alone
Faith, hope, and love
Carry me back to my home


Okay, so I'm back. Not in the best of moods, really, but that's for all sorts of reasons. I have half of the adults I know on my back at the moment about everything from money to things that are other people's faults entirely, but impact me and thereby become my responsibility. I'm back to not caring at all about whatever people take away from this, because I'm really beyond caring. I saw T for a while last week, which was an interesting experience. She made sure to drop some vague note about her parents' meeting the parents of her current boyfriend, or something, and shared with me her musings on relationships, which seem mostly to center on her realization that she is generally considered desirable, and it shouldn't be too hard to find someone better than I. So, yeah, it was odd, mostly, more than anything else. I keep wishing I was totally beyond caring, and then she's good at reminding me that I'm not. Oh, well. Reminder, self: you're single. Will be for a while, at the rate you're going. Get over it.

Oh, and I turned 20 in there. It was thrilling, really. I did manage to amass some birthday money which paid for most of a new bike, which I had dearly needed, so now I can actually get to work and class and all fairly easily. Except when it rains, of course, and everything goes to pt. Thank God there are places to move to soon that will actually let me move around efficiently without a car.

The good news is that my weekend was, at least until Sunday night, fantastic. My high school roommate was in town, and I suggested to him on Wednesday night that we do something...he asked what we could do, and I said, hey, let's go to DC--Kelly Willis happens to be playing in Alexandria, and DC would be a nice change. And I don't believe I've mentioned Kelly Willis here, but I happened to hear her while watching PBS at 2:30 AM on a Saturday night a few weeks ago, and fell in love with her voice. I ran out and got her CD, and happened to read that she was in Alexandria last weekend. At any rate, he said sure, and so I e-mailed friends of mine from my first high school, twins, actually, whom I hadn't seen in years, since they had moved to the DC suburbs, and they said, sure you can stay here, so we took off Saturday morning. And we saw art museums--going to art museums with my ex-roommate was great, since he's an art history major, and knows all sorts of stuff about pretty much everything in the museums--and went to the show, which was great, and wandered around Georgetown for a while, and talked to them until late at night...and then we talked to them some more the next morning and left, and me another friend from my first high school, whom I hadn't seen for almost two years, for late lunch when we got back, and ended up talking for hours. So, that was great.

At any rate, now it's late Monday night, and I'm in the lab, ostensibly working, but writing in this instead, so I believe I'm going to get some work done quickly and go home and sleep. I'm tarred. Oh, that reminds me of the great thing I picked up when I bought my bike--an actual headlight! Woohoo. It's quite bright, so not only can people see me, but I can avoid running into objects on dark roads. So! I'm going now. Will write more soon, I'm sure, since I also forgot to mention that I have cable modem access at home now. So it's really quite easy for me to update this again, but for some reason I just haven't. Oh, yeah. I've been busy as Hades. That's it. Going now...


Sigh. I'm meeting my father today, to sign my tax return and stuff (yeah, just a bit late--he filed for an extension way back when, and now it's really due). Which is okay, except that I really, really need to tell him about this whole owing-McGill-$2000 thing I discovered. He probably won't take it well, but then, what's new? It's mostly his own fault, for never paying me what he should have. And I've avoided it, I guess, but I can't any more. So, yeah. I'll have to tell him, and see how things go. Perhaps it will go well. (ha!) But, must run to work now...

Arrrrrrrrrg. My father just left. We had talked for a while, and I finally said a lot of stuff I had been meaning to say to him for a while, which I guess was good, but he of course responds the same way he always does, with his own warped view of reality. A reality where everything becomes somebody else's fault, usually mine. I never try hard enough, apparently, or work hard enough, or do anything fast enough. Luckily, he accomplishes much more. Or something. The last straw was when I just asked if I could have a ride back to work, because he had picked me up at work, and I was going to go back to work for a few more hours. And my bike's there, too, so I would have to walk, otherwise. And he just gave me that look like, you actually expect me to do that? And he said something about how he took off from work, and had to get back, as if my job is more than 5 minutes' drive away. So I just said, screw it, and went to my room. I assume that he showed himself the door. I figured that was a better solution than screaming at him to find a freaking soul for once. I am so tired of him treating everything like some sort of business transaction. We're family, for God's sake! Start acting like it, please!

And this all makes me weary...I just want to curl up and go to sleep right now, but, no. I have work to do, and I have to go catch the bus or something to get back to do it. Grrrrr.

15/8/2001 yet again

I own the heart that love forgot
and it always seems to end before it starts
to live alone must be my lot--
I own the heart that love forgot

I suppose all that's keeping me from any given type of music is some great musical talent, and I found a wonderful voice in a country-ish musician, so here I am, listening to what I suppose amounts to country music. Sacrilege! But I like these songs, I suppose. It's helping me get out of this awful mood I'm in. I tried to take a nap earlier, but was way too tense to do that, though I'm really tired. I for some reason feel extremely exhausted today, though it's not really like I'm done all that much...ah, well. I think I'm going to sleep now.


One at a time they come to me and tell me, love is a mystery--
Tell me one that I haven't heard

everybody swears love's gotta be there somewhere
don't stop looking, 'cause it's all around you
given time it'll come to me and tell me
it's gonna set me free

This has been a rather odd weekend...I guess I've been reminded how soon classes start again, which is sort of catching me by surprise. My friends at nearby universities are coming back, and freshman move in here on Wednesday, I think. And Kate keeps rubbing her nose against my hands as I type! It's getting annoying. But, there, she stopper, and now she's just sitting in my lap, purring.

And I'm avoiding going into work. I really need to, to clean up my bench and all so my boss will come in tomorrow and see how much it's progressed and how incredibly organized I am and all. And I should really e-mail T back, because she e-mailed me some time ago. It was basically a long bitch-fest about how offended she was after reading what I wrote in my journal. Hmmm. I'm trying to come up with a non-sarcastic way of responding, since she still seems to have no problems at all reading what I write here and bitching to me about it. And I need to find my cd player remote, because it just flipped to the next cd, which I don't really want to hear at the moment...there.

On the I-suppose-this-is-good-news front, I finally got my financial aid package on Friday, and they gave me all sorts of loans to cover it, which I'll probably have to use. But now they're unsubsidized, which isn't so great. I can't really see my father balking at me taking on $11,000 in loans over the next two years, though--in addition to, ummm, 6 grand so far, I think. But at least this means I'll be able to afford to go to class and all. That's a good thing. Just all the more reason to go into Teach For America when I graduate. I'm really quite ready to be out of NC, preferably to an actual city, sooner rather than later. I would love to teach in NYC, and getting a big chunk of my loans paid off in the process would be nice.

And I just got interrupted, and now I need to run to work, so I'm going to cut this off abruptly. Will write more later, most likely...


Holy working alarms, Batman! I'm up at 8! Scary. So I might actually make it to work at a reasonable time, perhaps...we'll see. And I was thinking of stuff to write, but it sort of slipped, and I should run, anyway, so, yeah, this wasn't much of an entry. More soon, probably.


Yeah, yeah, haven't written in a while. Bizzy, bizzy, bizzy! Right now I'm putting off going to work and listening to Tracy Chapman, which is only making me think about things I hadn't eben worrying abouyt the past few days, mainly my sister. Who is apparently getting out of the troubled teens' home sometime soon, and visiting home this weekend. My father informed me that he wants me to have lunch with him and her on Saturday, which is great, since I actually have plans that I can't really change--maybe 100 people from my high school class are gathering on Saturday. So, umm, I don't know. I e-mailed him back and said I could do brunch...so, we'll see. And I must go now.

Shades of Gray