1/10/2001

So, hrm. I had a pretty bad day. Well, it sort of started last night, when, while riding from one part of campus to another, the bike path just went away--it dropped 3 inches, basically, with almost no warning. There were two little traffic cones ri ght where the sidewalk dropped off, and I saw them just in time to brake hard, but not in time to avoid hitting the hole pretty fast. I was able to keep riding for a while, with a rather severely bent rim; at least, I made it to G's, thinking that I woul d be able to get home with it, too, and take it to the bike shop today. But then when I went back out to my bike, the tire was totally flat, so I had to get her to drive me home and drop off the bike at the bike shop. I went in today and found out the n ew rim will be $60, so yeah, I'm not too happy about that. And my day was just rather weird, I guess...nothing went as it should have, nothing I did seemed to work. It was all very strange. And I suppose all of that made me really want a hug, but when G got home and messaged me, she was very frantic and stressed out about work, so I asked if I could just drop by, but she said I'd just be a distraction. Which was odd. And so I ended up sitting around moping instead of studying for my bio test, which I desperately need to do. I'm just rather confused and not entirely sure of what's going on, which isn't an entirely comfortable situation. And it's not really helping my mood, or helping me study, either.

Ooh, depressing King's X song line:

You came around and made me smile
And wrote between the lines
You opened up my heart and soul
And made me feel alive

Guess it was a false alarm

So, I dunno what to make of much of anything. About all I know is that if I don't learn massive amounts of population genetics by tomorrow, this test is not going to be pretty at all. Other than that, well, relationship issues are as nebulous as ever , though I suppose I was able to sort of ignore that for a while. So much for that. And I should go study. Really. Maybe I will...I can't really sleep. I have to get up quite early, because without a bike, it will take a while to get to my exam. I d on't get the bike back until Wednesday night. Sigh. Okay, going to sleep now.


3/10/2001

I realized that the lyric on the front page probably sounded rather lovesick, so I switched it to my favorite Joni Mitchell line, which I heard for the first time in a while today. I found my Joni CD, finally...I hadn't heard her voice in a while. An d I did survive my bio test, though, well, it was a painful experience. Not something I really could have studied for, though, any more than I did--there were an awful lot of questions that seemed designed merely to ascertain whether we had memorized random facts from lecture. So short of memorizing everything she had said, there wasn't much more I could have done. And everyone else seemed to find it painful, so I'm not incredibly worried. Though I doubt that I got a really good grade, I figure that I did passably well. Oh, and I got back my logic test, which I got a 96 on--mainly because it was a really easy test. I just need to keep that up, so I can have at least one really good grade :-) And I'm pretty confident about my compsci test tomorrow, w hich reminds me that I need to finish up my assignment right now, before running to sing. I'm sure I'll be back to write more later.


7/10/2001

What a roller coaster of a weekend...

Well, it started out reasonably well. The anniversary party thing went well--it turns out it was their 50th, and my uncle's band played, and I helped put out the food and all, and lots of old people who apparently knew me came and tried to start up di scussions. And I recognized none of them, so it was slightly weird...one guy started talking to me about baseball cards, which implied that he hadn't talked to me for maybe 10 years, since I last really collected baseball cards. I was able to steer the conversation to baseball and survive, though. And then I became the waiter for everyone, and took their dirty plates away and all, and then that was all over soon enough.

Ended up playing silly games with friends of mine until very late, which was fun. And then things went bad, and I don't feel like writing about that at the moment. I survived, though, and tonight I ended up having a rather nice discussion with G, and more or less figured out what's actually going on, and things may work out yet. I guess we'll see. At least, in the short term, things won't be awkward, if still nebulous, but that's to be expected. And I may have convinced her to go to Atlanta with me--which I don't believe I've written about yet. This is very last-minute. See, it turns out we have fall break this weekend, meaning we get Monday and Tuesday off. I had totally forgotten about this, but it also turns out that King's X is playing in Atlanta this Sunday, so I thought, hmmmmmm, maybe I can go to Atlanta, see the show, and explore a bit, then come back and still have time to regain lost sleep...so I was thinking of taking the bus, but it would be more fun if I could convince someone to come along, and even easier if they had a car. So I asked around, and G seemed actually to take me seriously, so she may actually be interested in driving, and then we can stay in the hostel in Atlanta, and go see the show, and wander around some, too. We'll see if it happens, but this is one of my classic spur-of-the-moment budget trips :-)

So I survived the weekend, and this random planning has put me in a good mood, and I discovered a liberal organization at the university that seems full of people with interesting ideas, and I volunteered to write their constitution for them, since it turns out they're not chartered...so if I actually get around to it, that will be neat. Now, I just need to do my physics homework, and get up really early and go to work tomorrow, and everything will be great. Not much work due this week, since break i s soon, and all of my exams finished up last week.

So, I'm going to go do my stupid physics problem set, then go to sleep...

Deep in the desert
One flower standing alone
Faith, hope, and love
Carry me back to my home


12/10/2001

I've been all happy and giddy and stuff the past several days, I guess partially because I haven't had too much classwork to do, and I've been spending a lot of time with G, too, I suppose. I ended up watching the entire 6-tape Pride and Prejudice series, the one that showed on A&E--it was quite good--while she was working on linguistics the other night, and I didn't particularly feel like sleeping, so I just watched that. The whole Colin Firth/Bridget Jones' Diary thing was confusing, though...but since I had never read the book or anything, I didn't know the plot. As if the end wasn't telegraphed from the start--but it was still good. And I'm rambling, as I am wont to do. I'm at work now, which is something I've been neglecting far too much recently, but now I'm here, and I'm going to make up work next week, too, which is a good thing. Must make money. Must pay rent. Oh, which reminds me--the geniuses at the gas company cut off our gas again. Luckily, all we have on that is the water heater, but that of course meant we didn't have hot water for two days, which was a lot of fun. The first day, I just woke up, tried to get hot water, had no luck, so just ran my head under the water and ran to class, but yesterday I ended up taking a shower in the gym, which was rather frightening. They finally sent a guy to turn it back on last night, but then he ended up letting Kate into the basement, and she promptly ran for the crawlspace, so when I finally got her out, I had to give her a bath. She wasn't too happy about that.

And G was making fun of me for having not shaved in several days--I just tend only to remember to shave when I take a shower, and I had forgotten to shave several days ago, so I sort of had a backlog. But I really dislike facial hair, so I got rid of it today.

T e-mailed me today, which reminded me that I still haven't e-mailed her back from last time :-( So I really should do that now, because now she's e-mailed me twice with no response. Boooo. And I do want to write her, I just keep putting it off, like everything else, because I want to write her a real letter, so that would take time, so I delay it until I have sufficient time, and that ends up, well, never happening, so I end up just not writing anything. Sigh.

And I could possibly be goign to Atlanta this weekend, though it's still up the air. We'll see. Regardless, though, I have Monday and Tuesday off, which should be nice. And I should get back to work now, and write more later, perchance.


I wish I could stop being so paranoid for once. I had a wonderful evening with G--we watched Mel Brooks' History of the World and talked for a while, and yet, still, when she left I had the inexplicable fear that this is all going to end sudden ly not long from now. And I want to shut up that voice, because I'm fairly certain it's wrong, but I also wish I knew why it was so loud and annoying and so darned persistent. I don't think I really believe that it's not possible for someone to t ruly want to know me--but maybe I do, on some level. Or maybe I just fear most of all that that's the case, which then manifests itself in this particular instance. I don't know. Maybe I'm overanalyzing myself--I could probably just write it off as my general relationship ineptness. But I guess it scares me the most because I realize how much I do care, and whether she wants to or not, she has quite a bit of power to hurt me already. Perhaps that's enough to scare anyone off. And I need to fr ickin' get over it and accept what's happening at face value, so that I can go along with wherever it goes and not see it as somehow contradicting this view I have of the world, where nobody wants a deep relationship with me. It's one of the symptoms of being single for so long, I presume, and it needs to go away. Sigh.

It's funny, in a way, how being in the closest thing I've had to a relationship in a long time at times makes me even lonelier than I would otherwise be. I take that as a sign that I need to get over these stupid worries and get on with living, and I should be less lonely, and probably happier, too.

And I think we're going to Atlanta, but it's still not entirely clear. It would appear that we're leaving Sunday morning, though. We'll see, I guess...and Kate's asleep now. I think I should follow her lead and go to sleep, awakening some tim e in the afternoon, since I have just about no obligations whatsoever tomorrow. I'm sure I'll write again this weekend...


15/10/2001

What a strange weekend.

So, things looked great at the end of last week...I had break coming up, and things were nice with G. I watched a movie with her and a friend on Thursday night, and it was so nice just to hold her hand through that. And then I saw her again on Friday night, and things were great, except that I apparently freaked her out by complimenting her, so that the next time I saw her, on Saturday, she treated me like she did a couple of weeks ago, like she was afraid that I wanted more than she wanted to give, and afraid of everything, so she needed to push me away. And that basically lasted through the trip, which was, well, overwhelmingly mediocre. She never seemed happy--at times tired, at times pissed at me, at times bored, but never very happy, and all s orts of things went wrong. The concert was great, though she was quite disinterested, but in a way, that would have been fine, I think, if not for the other crap going on. She finally told me what was going on in the last half hour of the return trip, w hich was nice to know, but it would have been a bit nicer to know at the beginning of, well, the 12 hours we spent in the car together. And I don't know how things will go from here, but what's new? I sent her an e-mail, and then realized I had forgotte n to include a part of it, so sent that, too, and now I'm realizing that that probablyl wasn't the best mood. Oh, well.

A friend of mine flew up to Massachusetts to see her long-distance boyfriend over break...I hope I can talk to her soon. I want to hear stories of how wonderful her boyfriend is, of how much she loves him, so that I can at least dream of someone wanti ng that much to see me. Stupid dream, stupid thing to torture myself over--and yet, I know I'll dream that anyway. I'm such a sentimental dolt.

Blue, here is a shell for you
Inside you'll hear a sigh,
a foggy lullaby
There is your song from me

And now I'm listening to Joni Mitchell, avoiding cleaning and washing clothes and straightening up, which my apartment certainly needs. And I should do web design work for the second job I've forsaken...presuming it still needs to be done. Should che ck on that; may write more later.

The last time I saw Richard was Detroit in '68,
and he told me
all romantics meet the same fate someday--
cynical and drunk
and boring someone in some dark cafe . . .


19/10/2001

Well, I haven't written in a while, as usual. It's been an odd week, since there were no classes for the first half, and then they were kind of crazy the past few days, and all of a sudden, it's the weekend. I had a fun evening with W and her sister- -we went to Raleigh, to an improv comedy place, which was great. Her sister had two free passes from the last time she went, when she was picked to be on stage, and she had gotten an e-mail that if she wrote "two dollars off" on a piece of paper, she cou ld get two dollars off admission, or more if they found it to be very creative. Well, W took that as a challenge, and they wrote a sonnet over dinner explaining why we should get cheap admission, and the guy at the door seemed, well, surprised that anyon e would write a sonnet, or perhaps frightened, and gave us a free ticket, so we didn't have to pay at all. And it was funny--I've never seen a bad show there. And thenm, Krispy Kreme, while we were in Raleigh, which is serving to keep me up, still. But so good...and now, I believe I shall sleep, and avoid worrying about planning anything for tomorrow. I plan on just figuring it out when I awaken. Ah, the strategy that never fails to completely waste a day.

Fill my eyes
O Lithium sunset
And take this lonesome burden
Of worry from my mind

Take this heartache
Of obsidian darkness
And fold my darkness
Into your yellow light

I've been scattered; I've been shattered
I've been knocked out of the race
But I'll get better
I feel your light upon my face

Heal my soul
O Lithium sunset
And I'll ride the turning world
Into another night


27/10/2001

It's been quite a week...let's see, two tests, several assignments, work for both jobs, chorale concert, complete with two 3-hour rehearsals in preparation, ummm...what else? There's more, I'm sure. My mother had yet another baby, though I still haven't seen her, since I can't very easily get over to where she lives unless someone takes me, and my phone was dead Friday and most of today, so I couldn't call to beg someone to take me. So, here I am. Chorale concert was tonight, and it went pretty well, and then I went home, and ended up comign back to see G. We went to this sort of University-sposored party on the quad, though she was quite out of it, so we just walked around for a while. And I think I'll just fast forward and say that things didn't go too well with her. She decided to tell me that, oh yeah, when she said that she really liked me, she thought that she implied an "as a friend" there, and at least expected me to assume that anyway, so, sorry for any confusion, but she doesn't really think she likes me any more than that, so I hope that's okay. And now I can't really sleep, even though I definitely should, since I have to lead the whole congregation in the psalms tomorrow, which requires that I be in the chapel in about 6 hours, and I should probably shower beforehand, so I'm not gonna get much sleep. I was hoping there'd be someone to talk to, but no such luck. Such is life, I suppose. And now I'm trying to keep myself from writing G an e-mail, because it probably wouldn't say what I want it to say, anyway, since I'm not being especially coherent at the moment. So I should just go to sleep, and I'll probably talk to her sometime tomorrow, or something. And I'm sure I'll write more this week than I did last week...

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said
though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and I'm aching and I don't know why
Countin' the cars on the New Jersey turnpike
They've all come to look for America,
all come to look for America


Shades of Gray