4/11/2000

Hello, anyone who may perchance read this. I'm still debating with myself where I want this to go. I could, on one hand, do this like someone I know, who tells all her friends, and sort of uses it as a way to indirectly communicate with people, though I'm fairly certain that was in no way her original intent. But I'm thinking more along the lines of just leaving this all anonymous, and if anyone happens to stumble upon it, they happen to stumble upon it. It's mostly just an exercise in what I try to get myself to do so often--type without using the delete key.

I'm also not too sure how to deal with referring to people--I'm considering adopting the somewhat awkward convention of referring to people by the first letter of their names. I don't know. I think I'll at least go with that now. Oh, and something I just realized--I'm using the European conventions of dates. Sorry, if that annoys or confuses you--and I'm not trying to be pretentious, I've just gotten used to writing dates that way, because I usually have to up here, and I ended up writing the dates on my notes that way, so, well, there you go. I suppose I'm setting a precedent that I'll have to stick with when I get back to the U.S. Oh, well.

So I was going to attempt to introduce myself here, but I figured that would best be put elsewhere, so, if you want to read about me, go there.

I've been acting extremely sensitive recently. I suppose a lot of it has to do with my family...they've been weird for a long time, but I suppose my father got a lot weirder over the summer, and he's been acting especially strange ever since I've been here. I keep putting off sending him a serious e-mail, because I really need to get him to pay some of my expenses. I really can't afford to continue to pay rent for too long--maybe a few more months, exacerbated by the slowness with which my new employer is processing all the necessary forms, so I may not get paid for a while for work I did a month ago. *sigh* And money is such a sticking issue, anyway, because I can't stand myself for getting into this whole mess of being dependent on my family for money in the first place. I wish so much I could just tell my father to screw it, I'm going to live how I want to live, but I can't, because then I need several thousand dollars a year from him. And in the end, he's paying significantly less than I am, what with full-time work in the summer and part-time in the school year and savings and everything. And yet, he gets to feel all important, because he ultimately has control over whether or not I can even go to college. Man, what a mess. And I need sleep, and I need to learn a heck of a lot of French by Tuesday, so I should do that soon. I think I'll stop now, and try to pick up in a break sometime tomorrow.


5/11/2000

Well, hello again. It's noon, I just woke up, and I'm not doing work. I didn't get anything more done last night, either, because I spent so long talking to T, and then planning for New Year's. And there's so much more background that this could use, like, for example, when I mention T. The easy way out would be to describe her as my girlfriend, but then, everything's in constant flux, and has been for some time. I could give my one-sentence overview of the past year--dated T, broke up with her, dated B, broke up with her, dated T, proposed to T, was engaged for a while, until that fell apart and she left me for a while, and now we're back together, for who knows how long. I know I'm completely in love, and I don't say that at all lightly. I'm sure plenty of people understand what it's like to be so entirely in love with someone. It makes me do all sorts of stupid, ridiculous things, like hopping on a bus from Montréal to North Carolina, but, then, even that can't match the stupid stuff I did that shows exactly the opposite. And that's what's so sad. If only I hadn't been such an idiot, I would now still be engaged to the one I wish so much to spend the rest of my life with. And I don't hope at all to explain this adequately in a page--the past year of my life, such a soap opera, and constantly changing. I can leave it at the present state, though, in which I'm doing everything I can to show her how much she means to me. I never really have done that anywhere near enough, so maybe I can actually succeed this time.

As I was saying, though, I got very little work done, because I was talking to T for a long time, and then she went to sleep around midnight, and I spent the next hour and a half planning New Year's stuff, which will ideally work out. I have all the plans worked out, but, then I have to get it past anyone who might care. We'll see.

And then, I have so much French to learn. I know very little vocab, whereas I should know several hundred words by now. So I should stop writing and go learn that, and I will, soon.

But, I realized that I didn't get very far last night. The thing I started out talking about--I've been feeling kind of strange recently, and the best way I found to describe it was "sensitivity". And that's really nothing new, but one thing is that I've been crying really easily recently. There's a King's X song that has, for such a long time, made me cry without fail any time I listen to it. It's basically the lead singer singing about his family, how messed up things became, and then--the line I absolutely love--" We all got together for the first time last September. I said, Somebody take a photograph; I've got a camera. Now I've got me a favorite picture..."
It reminds me so much of something that I often realize I wish I had--a real family, or at least some part of it, somewhere to go where I always feel loved or at least cared for, regardless of all the crap going on in my life. Not to mention that everyone's so far-flung now, and everyone's moved on from the family we were. It's just so incredibly weird sometimes. And I feel this tie to my older sister now, as, really, the only family left. I've been communicating with her fairly often...but, yeah, it seems the best way to describe my family situation is just as weird.

And then I went to see Dancer in the Dark with a friend of mine, and that was the most wonderful movie I've seen in a really long time. I cried the entire time, no exaggeration. What struck me most was the sheer beauty of the woman's love for her son, the way she could sacrifice all she had, all she could ever have, to give her son what she would never have. And maybe that would have the same huge effect on me two years ago, but I don't think so. And I just had the urge to go see it again, and now I'm trying to convince myself not to. I have so much French to learn, and so much work to do. I shouldn't. And I don't have the money, but, oh, I do have $6, which is all I need. Darnit. If I can drag someone along, I'm going. Write more later...


5/11/2000

So, yeah, I went to see Dancer in the Dark, but didn't even manage to drag anyone along, so I went alone. I walked in late, though, and couldn't see anything, and managed to find an open seat that was right beside this guy--he must have been kind of amused, since, no matter how hard I tried, I cried quite a bit. And I realize now even more why I love this movie so much. It's not just about sacrifice, but the main character is so wonderfully naïve, and idealistic--and idealism is so under-appreciated in this society, I think. Idealism--I wish so much I could be more idealistic, and with that, sure, comes naïvety, but what's so bad about that? But, anyway, part of the story is about how this innocent,.idealistic woman just gets run over by a cynical, pragmatic society of people who are greedy and selfish, most of whom don't think they're guilty for it. And it's a beautiful but incredibly depressing tale. Reminds me of how much I want to be so idealistic, even if I have, by now, lost all the naïvety. *sigh*

Oh, and this is amusing--the johndoe.org head person just e-mailed the notify list to let everyone know I have my pages up, and asked if anyone knew me. One of the people she specifically addressed does, in fact, know me, and will recognize me from my username. Heehee! So much for anonymity :-)

So, yeah, I'm reconsidering any attempts at anonymity, anyway. Might as well just make it clear who I am. I think I'll go revise my bio a bit to that effect. Then I may be back.

Okay, back. I realized something earlier, and then I wondered if it mattered, but I never mentioned in the section I wrote about myself whether I'm male or female. Maybe I assume it's obvious, or something. Maybe it is, but then, I thought, what if it's not? Is that a problem? I don't know. Well, in case you're wondering, I'm a guy :-) I suppose I've referred to T as female, but, then, hey, that could mean different things. A reasonably interesting thing about me--for years, now, I've never really had any decent male friends. For a long time, that was sort of because I didn't have any friends, but then I developed some good friends in both high schools I went to, and with the exception of my high school roommate and some other acquaintances, they were all female. And he and I have drifted apart, and I would say now that the two closest friends I've ever had were female. And just about all of my college friends are female. I found many of the guys completely detestable, really. So many of the guys I was around last year just fit the standard frat boy image way too well, and that's just not at all who I am. I have begun to develop one fairly close friendship with a guy, who I may end up rooming with next year, when I return home, which would be really nice. It would also allow me out of the dorms, which I would very much like. And ideally, I'd be able to live away from home in the summer, too. That would be ideal...prevents replays of incidents from last summer, like very nearly getting kicked out.

And I think I really ought to be sleeping, especially noting that it's after one, and I have a lot left to do...but I think I'll sleep, instead, and put off all the work some more. Until I write again--


6/11/2000

Man, what a start to the week. On my way back from turning in part of my French language lab, I realized that I hadn't gone to my French speaking tutor session, which is graded entirely on attendance. Darnit. It's especially hard to remember, since it only happens very second or third Monday. Arg. And I have so, so much French to learn, and at times like these, I work myself into this really stressed state, and I can even feel myself shaking, and then I want to ask myself--why is this stressing you out so much? I never used to let classes stress me out so much. I guess that was at least partially because I still did well in them, regardless. But I've done a pretty good job recently of getting rid of that trend, and managing to do pretty poorly at times. And I really need to do well, to make up for last year, to show everyone I can do what they've been expecting me to do all along, to show myself that I can do it. And I've been pretty consistently failing that. Arg. And so, I sit in my room and stress, rather than doing anything about it--pretty brilliant, eh?

So, I'm not going to write any more for a while. I have my day planned out--make more flashcards now, then stupid four-hour organic lab, then come back and study like a madman until I fall asleep, then class tomorrow, then study during lunch, then the exam, then econ, then take a nap, then work on my calculus assignment...and somewhere in there, I may stop stressing, but it's doubtful. I just really want to do well on this test. And I'm glad T finally e-mailed me--that helped. Over the summer, back when things were going well, and, heck, we were engaged, she made me a teddy bear for my birthday, which probably seems a bit odd, but it was by far the sweetest gift I've ever gotten. And at times like these, when I'm stressing out for little apparent reason, I often find myself just really wanting a hug, and nobody's around, so I hug my teddy bear, and I can imagine it's her...

And this page is getting pretty big, which makes me happy., especially since it'll stay this size for a little while, hopefully. Hopefully, because that will mean I'm working, of course. Which I need to do. And I realized that I do want this thing to stay pretty anonymous, because it is pretty personal, and could likely annoy some people, or make them feel a bit odd. I figure that if I want to tell anyone anything, I can just tell them directly--I've generally been doing a good job of that. But I do hope that somebody, at least, bothers to read this. Something I've found is that it's really hard for me just to write for the sake of writing, or getting out my feelings, but if I can at least address them to someone, or some group of people, then I can just write and write and know that someone's there reading, maybe caring. I did that a lot last year--I wrote long, rambling letters to various people, though most of them were never sent. So, I suppose I'll see if anyone actually reads this, but I can assume so pretty easily. And I really must be going, to get some French in before running to lab. Bye for a while--


6/11/2000

Okay, so, I'm back but just for a minute. I got out of lab after only two and a half hours, so I figure that that gives me a few minutes to read the news and relax. And for some reason I had a rather random thought which I've had before but I've never thought to write down. I worked several summers ago, between my junior and senior years of high school, at a hospital. My supervisor was a researcher who also worked in the Pathology department, which was interesting. I never exactly figured out my real job description, although I was hired as some sort of lab tech. I would fix all their computers for them whenever they needed help, and my main job was to work on this lab she was setting up. So here I am, a high school student who volunteered some in a genetics lab, and I arrive, and the lab is this old run-down building out behind the hospital, full of boxes, and she seems to expect me to set up the lab for her. I sort of buckled under the pressure, and although I did have some minor accomplishments, I did nowhere near what she or I had hoped. Anyway, this is relevant, because I spent a lot of time shuttling between the lab and the Pathology department where she worked, and this usually involved walking through the smoking area. Technically, there was a "smoking shed", but smokers tended just to cluster outside the shed under a covered walkway. People who know me would know that I generally have huge problems with smoke, so I didn't particularly appreciate having to brave it multiple times every day. But one person often caught my eye--an old man who would often be out there several times a day in his wheelchair, smoking. The thing that amazed me so much was that he was hooked up to an oxygen tank. Now, from a purely pragmatic point, this is incredibly dangerous, and I figure that it was pretty lucky he never blew himself up. But beyond that--here is this man, unable to breathe on his own, struggling to stay alive, and yet seeking out cigarettes at all hours, seeking out what likely played a huge role in giving him that oxygen tank. It seemed, at the time, to be such a perfect metaphor for much of life, for much of how I act and how others act. People in general just have major problems being logical when there's a nice reason to remain illogical. This man had found such a reason, and illogical he remained. But even beyond anything to do with logic, it just speaks, to me, of the power of habit. And I know I've fallen into many a habit, but the worst ones are the ones that aren't quite as evident. Those are the ones that I see in retrospect and kick myself repeatedly for. The things I neglect to do out of habit, the words I let stand, the actions I don't negate--such has been much of my life, and I despise that. I despise having to regret anything I've done, and, right now, I can find plenty to regret. And on that cheery note, I realize that I'm running out of things to say, and I must cram French!


9/11/2000

So, for some reason I just really can't sleep. Maybe it's that I haven't really gone to bed at a reasonable hour all week, and even though I really should be tired, my body for some reason expects to be up a few more hours. I don't know. My French test on Tuesday went pretty well, I think, although I have no clue, really, how I did. and then I came back last night and wasted time, well, after I went to a restaurant way out on the east side, past Olympic Stadium. A really good pizza place, but I sort of forgot that nobody speaks English out there. And I could have survived with my rudimentary French, because I can read pretty well and say what I need to say, but I wimped out and spoke English when the hostess addressed me, and I was doomed from then on. They sent over the waitress who knew English best, but I still used French sometimes to communicate better. I felt like a total fool by the time I left. I really want to go back and speak French, like, before I leave.

So, anyway, I went way out there, sort of to celebrate having the French test over with, and feeling confident about that. The métro is so useful here, because it only cost less than $1.50, canadian, which is, like, 10 cents US, each way. I love not having to own a car--and I could go on about that for a long time. But anyway, I got back and wasted pretty much all night looking at election results and talking to people from home, who were also feeding me info. Man, this election is scary--I am just very frightened by the prospect of President Dubya. Not only is he as dumb as a stump, but, as I've explained to anybody willing to listen, he would have a sympathetic Congress willing to pass whatever he likes. Gore, at least, if elected, would just have to compromise, so he couldn't really do anything too stupid. Bush, though, can do plenty of stupid things. Doh.

I think I went to bed around 2:30 AM, when all the news organizations gave everything to Dubya. I was too annoyed to stay up, since I presumed this was pretty premature. I somehow managed to change the time on my alarm clock, though, and missed my 9:30 class, which I had also missed on Monday. Doh. I am determined to go to all of my classes tomorrow, but I do have an 8:30, which I haven't managed to drag myself to in a while. Organic. Ick. The prof for some reason decided to give us copies of the course notes, so it's not really necessary that one show up. I don't understand. It gives me even less incentive to go to such a boring class at 8:30 in the morning. Ick.

I'm rather worried about T--she hasn't been sleeping or eating well recently, like, worse than me, since she's been running around doing all sorts of work. And I haven't really had a chance to talk to her, which has been weird. I miss being able to talk to her. I miss being an hour-long bus ride away from her. I miss being able to drive over to see her, just to get a hug. But that was a long time ago...Now, I won't get another hug until Christmas break. But, I suppose 6 weeks will fly by...I certainly hope so. I miss her so much...I miss being able to kiss her and dream of her all night. And so I hug my teddy bear tight as if it were her, and look forward to seeing her this break. And the break will be so short--I only get, like, 9 days at home. But at least I won't have to work. I'll get to deal with family instead--yea! I am really not looking forward to that. And that just reminds me that I need to e-mail my father, about money--I've been putting this off for way too long. I need money, or I'll stop being able to pay rent sometime very soon. My job isn't paying me yet, because the secretary keeps dragging her feet. Arg. I've been spending next to nothing, too. But I have to buy transportation back here, and I need to buy a coat before I freeze solid in the upcoming months, and...those are hopefully the only major expenses. I hope. I just need to e-mail. Darnit.

And this entry has just mainly been whining about practical stuff. Oh, well :-) I suppose I'm feeling rather stuck in practical stuff. I'm fed up with classes and work and situations that I don't like--why can't everything just work out? And I can assume that it will, in the end, but I would much rather have instant gratification. It makes things so much simpler! But, alas, I suppose I'll just have to wait, and sit out classes I hate and hope that I can pull out decent grades, and suck it up and deal with my parents, and everything will work out. Yes. It will. I'll keep telling myself that. And I should go, because I have to wake up in less than 7 hours, and I am determined to go to Organic, for real, this time. Bonne nuit!


10/11/2000

Whew. What a day. What a week!

I must say, that's the crappiest day on record for quite some time. So, I woke up this morning, and checked my e-mail, and got a reply from my dad. Last night, I had sent him a rather lengthy e-mail, about how I need him to start sending money so I can pay rent, about coming home for Christmas, assorted small talk, etc. And it was a very positive e-mail, I thought--I was really trying hard not to piss him off. This was stuff I had put off telling him for a long time. Anyway, here's the beginning of the response I got:

>Sorry I cannot discuss your money woes today. Your sister has been admitted to [a] Hospital. She took too many Tylenol/ibuprofen pills and is being treated for depression. This all came up this week, and she has not really been communicative with anyone in the family. Hopefully, she will get the medical treatment she needs and bounce back. How quickly I do not know.

Okay, so, my first reaction was just being pissed that he so condescendingly dismissed my "money woes." Man, he pisses me off so much sometimes. Like I said, this is just his refusal to pay for part of my education, like he always said he would. Not that I like having to be dependent on him for that, but I'm pretty stuck with it for the next few years. Anyway, though, I soon moved past that to worry about my sister. From the little that I've heard from my family, she didn't do well in her classes, and after her report card, my father was really riding her hard. And she overreacts to everything. So, I assumed that this meant that she had tried to kill herself, having no other information. The I really didn't feel like going to class and work, but I sort of had to. I was stressing out at work worrying about it, and I at one point took a minute to e-mail my sister, and my supervisor came in and was annoyed at me for letting the media cool while I was supposed to be pouring it, and then he left before I could explain that I was just trying to find out what the heck happened to my sister. I was annoyed. And then I kept randomly almost crying, and I couldn't quite figure out why. It was rather strange...

So, I survived work, and then came back to my apartment around 5, and my computer was making very loud clicking noises. Not a good sign. I rebooted, and got a good old disk not found error. Arg. See, my hard drive just died a month ago, and I had to buy a new one. A Maxtor, too, which should have lasted for a long time. But, no, not with my luck. I managed to call the computer place, and ran to take the métro to make it there just as they closed. They gave me another one, but all of my data was lost. All of my programs, all of my mp3s--I had amassed, like, 6 hours of live King's X mp3s. Man. Lots of good stuff. Almost all of my mp3s were live stuff, which it will take awhile to get back...arg. But, anyway. There went my Friday night, since I had to spend it reinstalling everything. Bare-bones stuff is back up and running, though, which is good. Actually, I now have just about everything back the way it was, except mp3s.

So, of course, my evening couldn't end there. T then messaged me, wanted to talk. I called my mom to find first out about my sister, and got this info--apparently, she was in a bad mood on Tuesday, and, for some reason, decided to take half a bottle of tylenol. She didn't get too sick, I guess, and didn't tell anyone until she went to some counseling session with my dad on Thursday, where she told the counselor, and they admitted her to the hospital. Adolescent psych ward, or something. It's all so weird. I'm going to try to call her tomorrow some time...

So, after talking to her for a while, I called T. This did not help my mood. It was yet another time of her reminding me of how inadequate i am, and how distanced she feels, and how little she feels like changing that. Not that that makes any sense. She told me she's sort of giving up on trying to feel completely in love with me until Christmas break, when we'll be together and she'll see how she really feels towards me. At one point, she was talking about how distant she's felt recently, and I actually asked her if she really feels anything when she talks to me. She replied, "I do sometimes." Dammit. Here I am, completely in love with her, and not only does she have no way of believing me, but she doesn't feel particularly close to me, either. Arg. I have no clue what to do. I wish I could run and talk to her, just be able to see her face while we talked. That would help...

And I'm in this really strange rut of not being able to sleep before 2 AM. This is kind of bad...*sigh* But maybe I'll sleep now. I think that's a good idea...


11/11/2000

So, my weekend got a good bit worse today. First off, I accomplished just about nothing today, managing to do little beyond waking up after noon, talking to T for a little while, taking a shower, getting some groceries, talking to T a little while longer while recovering mp3s, getting dinner, and talking to T for quite a while after I got back. And that certainly did not go well. I can use all sorts of excuses, too, but I'm rather tired of them. I wasn't in the best mood to begin with, having to deal with all of my family crap, and then we had to get into another lengthy relationship discussion, mainly brought about because, when she first brought up the stuff at all, I pretty much collapsed. I cried, and cried, and had trouble typing a response at all. I felt like a total, complete fool, and I couldn't really figure out why I was responding that way...and then I felt pretty sick, but I managed to pull myself out of that really weird state in time to catch her saying, oh, what was it, "i would be very tempted to go ahead and tell you to get out of my life completely until i'm whole again." Actually, looking back at that, I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. I've sort of heard it before, in more absolute terms, i.e. something along the lines of a very final "go away." And I don't doubt at all that she means it. And then that line led to a lengthy, complicated phone discussion, and...

At one point not all that long ago, I just decided that I need to figure out what I want, in life, in relationships, in general. It still feels like I'm not particularly tied into any sort of relationship. If I wanted to, I could very easily run in any direction I chose. But the thing is, what I realized after thinking, and wondering, and questioning myself, my own motives--I don't want to be anywhere but with T. Perhaps it's all too easy of a thing to say. Perhaps it's just me, being foolish, or stubborn, or too satisfied with the status quo to consider other options. But I don't think so, at all. I've seen plenty of other options, I've compared, I've contrasted--and I've returned to the person I want the most to be with, above all other possibilities or, for that matter, impossibilities. When I dream of perfect scenarios, the woman I dream of is T, not because I'm just dreaming about what I've experienced, but because she represents so well the bundle of qualities and desires and actions and abilities and quirks that I so desire...she is my ideal, not out of inertia or proximity, but because of who she is, and I absolutely love her for who she is.

And in the end, she can't trust me not to, whenever things are tough, run off to whomever is nearby. This is based on past events, which aren't far enough in the past to seem distant by any means. This saddens me immensely--it's like this great big huge regret, but then, somehow, it's so much more. I didn't consider the consequences of my actions, but more than that, I didn't consider the truth of my actions. If I had bothered to really consider that, it never would have happened, and things would certainly be at least slightly less complicated now. But, alas, no, that wasn't what happened, and I'm just another one of the stereotypical creeps I so vilified not long ago. And how much can there be without trust? I took away all reason to trust me, and I don't know any way other than time to rebuild that trust. I promised her the world, and then invented a loophole. Oh, what a complete idiot I've been.

Maybe there's some point at which I will be good enough for her to bother to love once again. Maybe she'll be able to trust and respect me for my actions...maybe she'll be able to dream once again of sharing all of her, all of her life with me. But there seems to be much distance between here and there. I just know and feel more strongly than I've ever felt how committed I am to finding such a place, and I'll do anything and everything I can to show her that...

To change the topic almost completely, since talking to her, my thoughts have also drifted quite a bit, mainly to thoughts of faith and where the heck I stand. I've been listening to the last King's X album, and the last song on it describes so well how I feel, and have felt for some time: the chorus goes "God, can you hear me? God, can you see me cry? God, can you see me die? God, can you move me? Move me, and move me again" That's so much of what I've felt--that here I stand, and at least I think I'm fairly receptive to being moved, or anything at all--and God, can you see me? Can you hear me cry? I don't know. I hate that statement, but--I don't know. I've managed to reclaim a morality I had lost for a while, something that would have prevented much of the mess that I'm in. I still feel the impetus to act as I should, "should" being its own fuzzy issue. But I've certainly moved back much closer to the Christian idea of morality. I suppose I haven't told T much about this, mainly because it's not something that's been extremely prominent in my mind. But now that I'm brooding, it's surfacing quite strongly--"Keeper of mysteries, river of tears, after it's over and after the years are passing, never asking." Man, I love this song. These guys are such great lyricists. I don't know how they do it, but--this song is just me, not in some superficial sense, but this is the state of my faith, in a song, described quite well. I had, for some reason, not too long ago, managed to drift away from my traditional ideas of faith, and beliefs, and ended up in this netherworld that I really don't like, where everything is relative and I can do even more stupid things. And, yes, the morality that I feel right now would have kept me out of this whole situation, but that's certainly not why it's there. It's there because I feel anew a reason for it. That feels like a start...and I still feel something more than me when I stand in a choir, singing something simple like the Gloria Patri. I remember the tears coming to my eyes in the middle of such a simple, powerful song, on that we sang at the same predictable time in every service every Sunday at the church I used to sing at. And I also remember not being able to avoid crying the few times we sang "Amazing Grace," partially because it was a beautiful version, with an amazing tenor solo, but mostly because of the song. "Amazing Grace"--something I don't feel like I've ever really felt, and that feels rather odd. Maybe I just take everything for granted--and maybe the cynic would respond that Christianity depends on people being in need. But everyone is in need, I think, whether they want to admit it or not. Sometimes, I suppose I don't feel like admitting it. I know that I'm in need now, and I know that I haven't prayed often, and I know that I will, tonight, regardless...

And it's after 4 AM, so I really should be going to sleepĚ Good night...


12/11/2000

Well, I just woke up not long ago, around 12:30. T showed online, so I messaged her, but maybe I shouldn't have. I don't know. Everything she typed seemed so incredibly forced, and maybe it was, or some sort of an expression of all the negative feelings she has towards me. And then she ran off, because she had to be somewhere, so I tried to go back to sleep, but I knew I couldn't. So now I'm awake again, and listening to the same three Joni Mitchell songs over and over, and wishing I had a river I could skate away on...I made my baby cry. And I must look so pitiful, sitting at my computer, alone in my room, singing along off-tune while crying, feeling helpless to stop this Hell that this has all become. I don't accept the helplessness, though. Maybe I'm just too stubborn, or maybe I've just seen what magic could replace what we have right now. "On the back of a cartoon coaster, in the blue TV screen light, I drew a map of Canada, with your face sketched on it twice. Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine, you taste so bitter, and so sweet. Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling, and I would still be on my feet, oh, I would still be on my feet..."

She first played that song a long time ago, under a completely different set of circumstances...Joni Mitchell is one of the few female singer that I really enjoy listening. She has such a beautiful voice...so does T. I suppose I'm biased, but from the first time I heard her sing on her own, I was entranced, absolutely entranced...

And I really don't know how to interact with her right now. I wish I could know what she's thinking, or feeling, but maybe she doesn't want to tell me. Not that my actions have much to do with what she's thinking or feeling, but it's very strange to go all of a sudden from having what felt like some sort of connection to having none at all. And I know I haven't dealt with situations like these well at all in the past, but I know how I feel, and I know what I'm going to do, at least in the general sense. The problem is transforming that into specific actions under these circumstances, not that that makes any sense. Should I e-mail her and send her messages, or should I wait for her to try to talk to me? I know she's told me before that regardless of anything, she will always listen to me, but maybe it would be better if I didn't make her listen to me right now. And I hate even having to think about the possibility of my trying to communicate with her being a negative thing. I know that I'm not going to run anywhere, but maybe she'll try to run away, in some form or another. I'm actually fully prepared to accept that, though. It's taken an awful lot of work, and an awful lot of time, but I know now that I'll not change should she choose to run away. I just wish I could shake the fear that that would lead to my losing her for good. I guess part of it is that she's not at all sure now she wants to ultimately end up with me, and I sometimes wonder how ridiculous it sounds to say that I just hope that at some point I can show her some part of me or us or love or life that could make it possible for her to think of spending the rest of her life with me. Maybe that's possible, or maybe not, but I'm going to continue to hope that is.

I think that another reason why I love Dancer in the Dark so much was because of the image of perfect sacrifice of the main woman for her son, the one she loved. And maybe I'm being extremely melodramatic or just stupid when I think of the possibility of giving myself to somebody, or that that would even mean anything to anyone anymore. It's not about words, or even actions, for that matter, but it's about life, which is both, and more, and I've committed my life to T, not as some way of seeking out a relationship, or closeness, but because I know who I'll continue to seek out, regardless of events, of relative closeness or distance to her. It has nothing to do with circumstances, or reciprocity, or kind words, or hugs, or dreams, but everything to do with knowing that she'll be the one I always dream of and hug in my mind and send my thoughts and words to.

And I'm sort of running out of words, so, while this may seem like sort of an abrupt ending, I think that I should go take a shower and start doing work...


12/11/2000

So, I've gotten a little bit of work done, but I'm still brooding about just about everything, so I'm going to try to get some of that out of my system, and ideally, that will mean I can work more...or something like that. I suppose the past few entries just sound like the writings of a stereotypical lovesick teenager, or something along those lines. A friend of mine is rather annoyed at me for, as she sees it, acting completely obsessed over T, and quite irrational. I don't agree, of course. This isn't some obsession--I made sure of that a long time ago. Commitment, sure, and commitment lasts through times when it doesn't seem logical or sensible. I'm not so set on T because I can't get over her, or because I've become too entrenched in thinking of life with her, or because I'm obsessed. I have spent a lot of time teasing out why I really am so committed to her, and it has so little to do with any of that. Maybe people have trouble believing me when I say that I really have found the one person I know I will always love--I had trouble believing it not long ago, having thought that of someone else even as I denied the real truth. And what does that mean? Is lasting commitment too close to obsession for comfort? Do I even know what the heck I'm saying? Should I be avoiding commitment, like most other people my age, in favor of "growing up" some more on my own?

I think that I have answers to all of those questions...let me see, well. I've been asking myself those questions, or questions like them, for quite some time now. One thing that I can say for certain is that, when I'm able to separate myself from my life and feelings and myself as much as possible, I can see how, far and away, the best times of my life the past three years have been the times that I've shared with T. Not when either of us was necessarily committed, but just the times of running around a park, or walking in the rain, or driving across the Northeast, or reading a letter from her in the cafeteria before going to my Cell Bio exam, or talking to her on the phone. I've thought at various times that that was transeferable, to some extent, or that I could find that in someone else. And, indeed, a lot of that is probably pretty easy to find in anyone. But T has so much more that somehow, in some amazingly unique way, unique to me and her, sets her apart and makes her mean so much more to me than just a best friend or confidant. I don't need for her to tell me she loves me; I don't need for her to be mine...all I need is to be myself, and for her to be herself, and I trust that things will work out the best they can. And I trust that I know what I'm saying, I know what I'm doing, when I say that whenever she wants me around in any capacity, I'll jump at the chance. Obsessed? I don't think so. Foolishly in love? Yeah, I'd say so. So maybe I'm not being extremely logical, but I'm being true to me, true to everything I know about myself and everything I've learned about myself, and everything I will learn about myself. Is that hard to believe? Is that hard to see, in a confessed numbskull, in one who has screwed up his priorities on so many occasions? Maybe it is, but maybe at some point in the future it will be both obvious and obviously true.


13/11/2000

So, I feel like I haven't written in a while. Maybe I wrote last night--did I? I guess I did. Oh, well. That was kind of a while ago...and today went pretty well. It was busy, but not excessively so, and I'm making progress on my Calc assignment, though not as much as I should be making, probably. Oh, well. I'll get it done tonight. And then there's econ, and then french. But I'll get it all done on time. And then I can take some time to start studying for my geography test, and hopefully I can learn the inordinate amounts of organic that I just haven't learned in the past month or so, in time for the midterm next week. We'll see.

I certainly wish my father would bother to respond to my last e-mail. I didn't say much, though, because I knew that if I tried to do that, I would end up criticizing him, because I do see so much of this as his fault. Because it is, really--I talked to my sister a couple of days ago, and she had a theory that one of us was bound to crack. And I think she was right, really. She didn't have to deal with my father too much after middle school, at least not with actually living with him, because we were at my mom's at the time. I then managed to escape the house, though I've been living at my dad's over the summer for the past several summers, which has been going steadily downhill. My mother hadn't seen my younger sister for several months, since she sort of neglects to call her and have her spend the weekend and such. But as I was saying, like my older sister suggested, I do think that at some point, one of us was likely to get completely fed up with the constant crap our dad throws at us, and crack or just do something really stupid. And P, the one who overreacts to everything, ended up being the one.

And I just got an e-mail back from my dad. This did not improve my mood at all. In fact, I daresay I was okay until I got that. Dammit, I'm about ready to punch him. I'm really, really tired of him being so arrogant and condescending. I know he has money problems, I know the family's a wreck. But his constant claims that everything is my fault are just getting really, really old, not to mention his thinly veiled threats not to pay anything. I hate this--I hate being dependent on him for anything, and I hate how much he abuses the whole situation, on top of that. I'm paying significantly more than he is, I'm saving him money over what everything would cost if I was still back at my university, and yet he goes on and on about how tough I'm making everything for him. This is not right. I'm fine with being the responsible one, if only he would stop whining at me. And now he doesn't want me to stay in his house over Christmas break, which I completely do not understand. Arg. I am really, really pissed off at him. I am also completely unable to touch this pile of work I have to do for tomorrow. Arg.


14/11/2000

So, it's pretty late and I had wanted to get at least 9 hours of sleep to make up for the deprivation of the past several says...so much for that. I can at least get 8, still, though. Yea! I miss being able to sleep decent amounts. I thrive on it, really. Seven hours really is not enough for me. And with all the exams and such coming up, it may get tough.

Today was pretty rough, but it was a lot better than last night. I managed to stay awake through all of my classes, and I even got my econ assignment done in class, so I had some free time that I wasted walking around the city and de-stressing. And I got groceries, and pizza crusts so I can make pizzas soon. I really need to do a better job of cooking for myself. I have just not been eating well. And I have more fruit to eat, if I can just remember to eat it before it goes bad. That's been my main problem recently...

And I was hit today with this incredibly strong feeling of missing T. Nothing in particular, although mainly, I guess, I miss being able to talk to her, to feel completely comfortable and completely understood at completely at ease with her. She had that way of disarming me and making me tell her anything and everything, although usually nowhere near fast enough to communicate how I really felt. But I felt it last night, when I talked to her after getting that e-mail from my dad, and just talking to her, or even, in this case, typing back and forth with her was enough to really feel some small part of her, mingling with some small part of me that she might have let in, and it helped so much, just to talk to her...and I've talked to quite a few people since then, but I've just been frustrated, because they don't understand me the way she does, and they can't make anything better. But she can. And I'm just reminded yet again, yet again, that what I miss most, above all else, is the feeling of utter comfort, comfort and joy, that comes with sharing anything with her. I don't know how to communicate it at all, because it's not something I've felt with anyone else, but being with her really can make the rest of the world melt away, and everything fades into oblivion leaving only joy and love and me and my best friend. I don't know when I'll have that again, but I do know that I'll keep trying so long as I can...

I'm thinking again tonight of some time last summer, a rare time of watching TV when I flipped to some evening newsmagazine, maybe Dateline, and they were telling the story of this married couple. The woman had somehow--I missed the beginning, so I didn't find out how--suffered pretty severe amnesia not long ago, and she found herself sharing this house with someone she didn't even know. And things were really difficult, apparently, because they didn't have this base of common experiences they had had for so long, that had made things easy. In the end, though, the husband decided he would woo her back, like they had just met. He would win the love of the woman he had loved for years. And she fell in love with him again, having totally forgotten why she had been in love with him the first time. And they had a sort of marriage renewal ceremony, and, it was just a wonderful story. It reminds me of what I want to do now, now that all sorts of crap has blocked out for T why she wants to be with me in the first place. I want to start from scratch, from the time when I first fell in love with her smile and her beautiful voice, and make things right again. I want to show her again what it's like to reach out and stealthily slip your fingers between the fingers of the one you love, just like I did years ago, or would have, if I hadn't been so clueless...

And I suppose I'm just rambling on and making little sense...and, anyway, I should go to bed. I have now lost all chance of 8 hours of sleep :-( But I can almost do it! Good night, all!


18/11/2000

Wow, I suppose it's been quite some time since I last wrote. Let me see...four days ago? I guess that was Tuesday night. I suppose not too much has happened since then. Well, things with T got a lot better, in a lot of ways, that is to say, we're now able to talk, and enjoy it, and I seem to be able to make her happy at times, and it's not like talking to a wall. Of course there's plenty more to be dealt with, but we seem to be over, at least for now, the hump of the really unpleasant crisis that we were in. And I doubt that I'm making sense, so I think I'll stop trying to explain. Oh, and now I remember what I did on Wednesday night--I spent most of it making a playlist for T, with an hour or so of songs that I had attached to her for some reason or another. Songs that reminded me of times we had spent together, or of feelings I had had, or just songs that said something I want to share with her. And in the midst of that, we had a pretty long phone conversation, and that was when it felt like I really was getting through, and I helped make her feel better...and it was wonderful.

Oh, and then Thursday I studied for my geography exam, which I think went pretty well. I suppose I'll find out sometime next week, but it seemed like I answered everything well, so I'm confident. And now I just have so much to learn before my organic chem. midterm on Monday, so I think I'll go back to studying, now that I reminded myself of it...*sigh* And I might write more, if I take a break or something...


21/11/2000

Well, so I'm letting my entries slide a lot now. Things have been incredibly hectic. Classes, work, family stuff--and T is acting really weird. And I know that she knows about this, and may read at some point in the future, but I think she'll understand, from what I told her, what I mean. And I already told her that even if she knows about this, I'm still not going to hit the delete key. That's the main purpose, for me, of this journal--it's an exercise in typing without using the delete key. Well, I might fix some typos every now and then, but I think the point is clear...

And, so, anyway, as I was saying--she feels incredibly, frightfully distant, and I sort of know why, but she won't really tell me enough for me to fully understand. She's been really stressed, and unhappy, and unsure of where she's going, and even as she told me about all of that, I could feel my thoughts echoing her. We've had a couple of really, really strange conversations, though. I can't exactly figure out why, which is what makes things so strange. I wish I could help, or that she'd even want to talk to me abotu what's on her mind, but I can't tell if she doesn't want me to help, or doesn't think I can, or doesn't want me around, or is just stressed about work, or--it could be anything. And I really can't tell. Which is, again, weird...I had been feeling like I've been able to read her much better recently, but this recent stuff beats the heck out of me. And, yeah, it worries me, because I don't know what she's going through or dealing with, and that makes it hard for me to know what to do or if there is even anything to be done. And now I'm just talking about her as some psych. case, and this is getting too weird.

At least what I thought she was talking about was this whole mess of stuff, ranging from wondering what she's doing right now to what the meaning of all this is to what matters or what becomes of it all...and that set me off yet again on all those issues, and all those questions, and all I end up with is more questions. I sent her a disjointed e-mail on the subject, and she for some reason took away from it that I was worried about my job and my future, for the most part. Which I find weird, because, looking back at that same e-mail, I see a lot more to what I was saying. But maybe I catch all the implicit assumptions that I put there, or something.

Hmm. I'm not sure what to do. Maybe things will even out at some point, or something, but I find that doubtful--I'm really not going to have much time to talk to anyone for the next week or so. I have pretty much constant assignments, papers, and exams through next Thursday. Arg. And I did next to nothing tonight. *sigh* I think I'll go to sleep early, so I can at least make up some sleep. But then, I haven't been sleeping all that well recently, even when I've given myself plenty of time. Hmmm....but I think I'll go to sleep early, anyway...


22/11/2000

I feel at a loss for words. Of course, I also can't sleep, so I feel like maybe writing will help. I just reached the end of a long, mostly wonderful telephone conversation with T. And I also just realized how much that probably cost me. And it was wonderful to talk to her, except that my worst fears were soon realized, when she eventually told me that, yes, that wall I had felt really was there, and there for a reason, and it wasn't because she was feeling down, personally. It's time for the biweekly reevaluation of our relationship, it seems. They never come at good times, but I don't know how they ever could. And I don't really mind, in principle, all that much, being reminded of how much I love just being her friend. But what was weird this time was that I told her from whenever that was a few weeks ago, that I didn't want to rush anything, that I wouldn't tell her I loved her until I really thought she could understand what I meant. And then she told me that first, and I replied knowing what I meant--but did she? I don't think she ever did...because here we again, back to this state I know so well. I don't miss closeness or companionship in any general sense--I miss T. I miss her so much...I've been whining to anyone who will listen about how much I wish I could be home for Thanksgiving, to be with my family, or what's left of it, and especially to be with her...

And so maybe this is turning, once again, into the ramblings of a lovesick college student. Too bad. I really don't care. All I really care about at the moment is being the best friend that I can be for T, and maybe she'll want something more at some point. I can only hope--but I have plenty of hope left, and plenty of optimism...maybe one day I can just make her happy again. It happened oh so recently...


23/11/2000

I think that I really am going to have to work now. My usual favorite method of avoiding work is being rendered rather ineffective, since anyone I would normally talk to online is gone, at home, with relatives, away from class...and I'm stuck with class, hundreds of miles from anyone I particularly want to be with this weekend. And I was hit last night with the strongest feeling so far of wanting to be back in NC. I really want to be able to see all the people I talk to, and I oftentimes feel like maybe I can make more of an impression on T, I could make it all seem so much more real, if I could impact more senses--if I could really be there, not just saying things, but just being me, maybe she'd see someone she wanted to be with. And that's so hard to get over e-mail or instant messaging or the phone.

And that's probably stuff that I've said numerous times before. Right now, though, looking around, my room is a dump, I have piles of clothes to wash, I have two organic labs that I absolutely must get done tomorrow, and all I really want to do is teleport myself down to NC, for just a day, it wouldn't really matter, and see my sisters, and see T, and laugh, and talk, and experience life together, and maybe I could stop crying for the first time in a while and just smile, and just be happy and optimistic and sure that of course everything will work out for the best. And instead, I'm stuck in this messy, lonely room, with no one to blame but myself, and it doesn't feel too great at all. *sigh* I guess I'll go clean now...

Okay, that was a depressing entry. I'm doing better now, really. I still really wish I could know what was going on in T's mind, but I suppose that will come at some point. There's no rush to any of this. And to make this all even weirder, she hasn't used AIM in a couple of days. I can't figure out if she's trying to avoid me, but I assume so. She wasn't really offline at all for almost all of this year, and now, all of a sudden, she has only used it for 5 minutes in the past two days. There's no one online to avoid but me, too...so maybe I shouldn't have called her. Maybe she really just wants me to stop talking to her at all. That seems to be the main signal.

I rather annoyed myself tonight when I inadvertently referred to some implicit future. A future relationship isn't my main focus at all. How many times have I said exactly that, and then I just go on to write on and on about relationships? Hmmm...well, here's my point: I know what I know. I know that T is the best friend I've ever had, and nothing can take that away. I know that I want to have a relationship with her, and nothing can change that. I know that this doesn't need to happen right away, then, because it's just not going to change. There's no rush for anything, no need to push for anything in the present, because it will all work out just fine. I really believe almost all the time that things really can work out as they should...


Shades of Gray