2/12/2000

Wow, it's been a long time since I last wrote. I hadn't at all realized it was more than a week. Wow. But I've been so busy, I suppose I really haven't had time to notice. It hasn't been much fun since I last wrote...work, tests, more work, ick. More of the same...not much, really has changed. Which is something that I haven't been able to say for a long time. The past week has been remarkable for its unremarkability, I suppose.

And I started this earlier today, and completely forgot I was writing it. And now it's 2:45 AM, and I should sleep. I'll write more tomorrow, really, I promise :-)


3/12/2000

Back. I just had a rather weird conversation with T. I felt like I overstayed my welcome a bit. Hmm...it was just...odd. But, anyway. I have a paper to write, which I have of course put off until now. I found all sorts of creative ways to avoid it, though. I reworked my majors, and went out looking for small Christmas gifts for my little sisters. Oh, that reminds me. When I went out last night, in the first métro stop I was in, I saw this absolutely adorable couple. Not obnoxious at all, just...adorable. And that got on my nerves much more than if they had just been making out in front of me. Man, how I want that. *sigh* And I'm just whining again. Enough of that.

I just don't seem to have that much to talk about...so much of my life at the moment is absorbed by classes and papers and exams, and when I stop worrying about all that, I end up beating myself up for what I did to T, or I just end up missing her a lot. I usually listen to a lot of music, but almost all of what I have is in some way attached to T. I was talking to a friend of mine, who suggested that the song "Walking on Sunshine" always cheers her up. I tried to explain that for a long time, I've called T my sunshine--and she said, "well...maybe that would be therapeutic"

My family situation appears to be slowly improving. My father actually called me, for the first time all semester, on Friday night. It was a pretty innocuous conversation, but I think it was a pretty big step that he actually got around to calling me. My sisters seem to be doing well, and everyone seems in generally better moods than they were several weeks ago.

And it seems rather inevitable that my writing loop back to talking about T. I guess I've been especially missing her all weekend. We had a couple of really nice conversations, and those just made me miss her even more. Missing in the sense of just wishing I had her to talk to, and I had a hand to hold through all of the unpredictability of life. That's about all I want. *sigh*

Okay, time to go write a paper. I'll try to come back and write more later tonight...


4/12/2000

Yeah, so I didn't make it back last night. Oh, well. And now it's 2 AM, and I really wanted to sleep, mainly because I am completely determined to be up at 8 AM for organic tomorrow, since it's the last class before the exam, and I really must go because of that. But I doubt that I'll be all that awake, seeing how that requires that I be awake in less than 6 hours. Hmmm. But I've been having real trouble sleeping lately, which is *really* annoying, especially since I keep trying to get myself to be on task, and get lots done, and that depends on being able to go to sleep when I really want to. Oh, well. I'm probably sufficiently tired now, and, yeah, while I haven't actually written anything, I'll make a much more sincere effort to do so tomorrow...


7/12/2000

Whoa. I really should have set an alarm last night. Without one, I slept until, ummm, 2 PM. Wow. The day is mostly gone now, and I still have a lot to learn for my eam tomorrow. *sigh* But--I can do it! Yeah! I just need to work hard all afternoon and night, and do well on my exam tomorrow, and then I can sleep. This crazy schedule up here gives me another *full week* until my next exam. Which will mean that I really, really need to get myself to do work, so I can study and clean my apartment in there, or I could get to my exam and look back and wonder what the heck I managed to do for a whole week to avoid learning all the stuff I needed to learn. And I need to be ready to leave the country soon after my last exam. Hmmm...but right now, I just need to concentrate on studying for this one exam, and then I can relax a bit.

Otherwise, how have things been going...hmmm. I had to try especially hard last night not to tell T that I miss her, because I really do. Like I said probably not very long ago, I really miss having someone to talk to and a hand to hold. And I've been able to talk to her, actually, quite well, it seems, and that's been wonderful. *sigh* I just hate the feeling that it could all be gone tomorrow, or maybe it was never there at all, and I just never knew. That's not saying I need commitment, really, so much as, well, I can't really explain. I'll see what happens over break, and hope, and, yeah...I'll see.

And there, I managed to write for a while and say nothing new, didn't I? I suppose that not all that much has changed around here--I've been re-examining my views on just about everything recently, and ending up with far more questions than answers, but a lot of optimism, too. I don't know what I'll end up doing, where I'll be in ten years or what it will mean. But I'm at least fairly confident I'll get somehow closer to knowing sometime soon. Maybe it's irrational, but I don't care all that much. I've been iin good moods recently, though I'm probably soon to become fairly stressed. But other than the stress, and some other more or less constant things, I'm optimistic, and hopeful...and everything will work out for the best, and sometime I may know what that best is...


23/12/2000

Wow. It has been a really long time since I've written a journal entry, like, more than two weeks. Sorry, to anyone who has been checking back. I've been busy busy busy with exams and such, and had just, well, forgotten. And now I'm home, and things are weird, as I knew they would be. I really cannot stand to be in this place for very long, at my mom's house in suburbia...it causes much pain. I miss Montreal. And things with T are not incredibly pleasant, but I at least understand, and know why they're that way, and that helps, and I'll be able to cope. And my father seems to be in a rather good mood in general, so things might turn out well. We'll see. And this stupid U.S. keyboard is really throwing me off--I just got way too used to my bilingual one, I guess. But I should really probably be going to sleep now. I'm tired. And I will, of course, write more. Really :-)


24/12/2000

Merry day before Christmas to anyone who may be reading...I've been somewhat bored around here. Just sort of lounging around, which is something I haven't done for a long time. I really need to write notes to everyone--since I don't really have any money for gifts, everyone's getting cards, but I am going to personalize them, at least. And I may tell them that my gift to everyone is that I will avoid being evicted. I Think that's a pretty nice gift :-)

I just read this narrative article in the local paper, and for some reason it was quite touching. Maybe it's just me--I'm not quite sure. It's about this man who dresses up as Santa, but that's really a tangential point of the story. It's like to this man, being Santa is some way to share magic and caring and kindness indiscriminately, to anyone and everyone. Sure, it's a romantic view, but we could use a lot more romantics. Oh, well.

T's mother invited me over for dinner tonight. I don't really know what to think. I thought she had told me she didn't really want me around her and her family overly much, but, I dunno. And I'm trying to think what sort of card to write, since I'd like to give them a card. I think I just try to hard, generally, with cards. Same thing with thank-you notes and the like. If I just didn't try so hard, and jotted down a few generic sentences, I'd be done. But instead, I try to make it really communicate something, anything, and I fail and end up taking far too long or just never writing the notes. Sigh. Oh, but I really should go write some of these. I'll probably write in my journal again in a few days...


Yeah, so I didn't think I would be back, but I came in here to check my e-mail, and noticed that my mother's old high school yearbooks were in the bookcase right beside the desk. I opened up one and found what I expected to find--a long entry from my father, right there, from 1975. Wow. And he was just as much of a geek then as he is now. He knew exactly the day he first asked her out to lunch--I think it was December 3, 1975--and at one time he counted back the number of days he had known her. And he made lofty claims of love, and close friendship, and lofty promises, and pitiful attempts at jokes, which again made it clear that he never changed...and it was, in the end, quite depressing. I don't think it's so depressing because it's all ended now, or maybe that is it. I guess it's just sad to think that they had never really progressed much beyond silly teenaged declarations of love, ones that I'm as guilty of as the next guy, but it seems that so much became based on that. Not that they are at all unique there. But in the end, when it all crumbles, I suppose it's easy to look back and see why.

I suppose I haven't written much in this about my parents. I never really understood why or how they ended up in love, but I suppose that's a rather foolish question to pursue at all. From what I've seen and heard of them at the time, my father was a complete geek, the guy who taught himself computer programming and programmed a scheduling program for the school before he graduated, back when he had to do it with punch cards on a timeshare for the county-wide mainframe. And my mother seems to have been this perhaps somewhat air-headed socialite, who never did all that well in school, and probably just expected to pass through it all, find a good man to marry, and go on to a safe and secure life. I presume a bit there, I suppose, but that's more or less what she's done now, and that's what she did for years--she dropped out of college after I think two years to marry my father. And it's all a bit sad in retrospect, but I suppose there are certain lessons to be learned...it just would have been nice if they could have learned them without screwing over the kids, myself included. Not that I think they managed to screw me up that much, really. In fact, aside from how much I hated the several years of my life after the divorce, there's probably no major negative impact to be felt right now. Bitterness, perhaps. And...whoa! I need to run, and think of something to write in a card for T's mother, and shave, and make myself generally more presentable. Bye for now--


27/12/2000

Hello again...I suppose it's been several days since I last wrote. Let's see...there was Christmas Eve, which was dinner at T's mother's house, which went quite well, though a bit awkward--I've never just tried to consider her to be the mother of a friend of mine before, and I can't, really, it seems--but it was nice, and then we went to sing at the chapel, which I miss so much. And it was a very pretty service, and again, I found myself nearly crying several times. Like when we all recessed out to the narthex, and there were maybe 120 people all standing close together and singing a Christmas song--I even forget what it was--and it was so beautiful, and I really don't know how to describe the effect it had on me.

Oh, and then T and I ended up talking for several hours, which was nice, though she didn't really feel like saying much at times. And then she brought me back to my mother's, and all of Christmas day was pretty constant commotion. And I haven't really done much since. I went to my father's, and came back, and tonight T came out to dinner with my mother and my two little sisters, and it was exceedingly weird. She had planned to go out dancing, but ended up deciding to do that after dinner, so I knew that she would be going out to dance with lots of guys who aren't me, who are of course better dancers, guys who will be asking her out. And she'll accept, and here I am thinking about it again. I at least did a pretty good job not thinking about it during dinner. But we ended up going to this pizza place we went to a long time ago, and getting this same type of pizza, which was really good, but I guess it's just one of many excuses for me to ask myself, "what if?" And then I yell at myself for doing that, but that doesn't really help. Sigh. I don't think I'm being at all coherent now. It's after 1:30, and I should go to sleep, but I was going to e-mail her. Maybe I shouldn't...I don't know. I had also meant to e-mail back this person who had e-mailed me after reading my journal. But I'm really tired. I think I'll send e-mails tomorrow morning after I get up. Okay. Time to sleep now...


28/12/2000

Sigh. I think I need to stop being so ridiculously sensitive. T called me tonight, which rather surprised me, but then I had to try quite hard not to cry while talking to her. I can't even remember what specifically was so hard on me...everything hurts. And I have a song line stuck in my head, and I can't figure out how it got there or why it's there. It's a Simon and Garfunkel song--I had it on mp3 back in Montréal, though I haven't listened to it for a while:

I know a man, he came from my home town;
he wore his passion for his woman like a thorny crown.
He said, "Delores, I live in fear--
My love for you is so overpowering I'm afraid that I will disappear."

It would be nice if I could make myself do something like what she's doing--if I could just tuck away all the love somewhere safe, and decide, okay, I'm going to go try to find someone to hold me and tell me everything is fine in the meantime. But I can't do that, for a variety of reasons--and lately, I've been caught up on knowing that if she ever wanted me back, I would run to her, and I can't subject someone else to that. I did that before, in fact. Not too smart. That would be best avoided, certainly. I've done more than my share of hurting. No more...I don't want any more.

T asked me tonight if I'm happy. And no, I'm not, really. I remember when I was happy. It was nice. And the thing is, pretty much everything is going well at the moment. My family is acting surprisingly sane, I've really enjoyed talking to friends--even my boss told me good things about next summer, and that my work is holding up. It looks like my money situation will resolve itself, and I'll be able to pay rent, and everything. And yet there's still one glaring exception, and darnit, that seems to be enough to ruin it all...I wish I could stop that from happening. I just don't really know how to. And it's also not that I'm unhappy, just not really all that happy. Sigh. Oh, well. But I really should go sleep. I hope that I can get to sleep soon...


30/12/2000

Well, I shouldn't be writing any more oever the next few days. T and I leave for Montréal tomorrow, and she doesn't leave until Thursday morning. We'll see how this goes...but I'll likely have at least something to say when she leaves. Who knows. I went to lunch with a friend of mine from high school, who had actually roomed with B, the girl who, some time ago, decided she loved me, which I in turn bought and decided I could get out of the relationship with T, and all of this led to a chain reaction of events that's made pretty much all of the last year of my life pretty hellish. Anyway. Yeah, I'm bitter. Bitter at myself, because it's all my own damn fault, and it all could have been prevented so easily, if I didn't happen to be so weak at just the right time. And things really would be so different now if she had never decided to cling to me over any number of guys she clings to, and I would be different, and T would be different, and so many sets of circumstances would be completely different. And I'm just left with a whole lot of what if's that I really do know are perfectly valid, but I try to tell myself they're not, but I never have any luck with that.

And it was nice to talk to J, because he understands, now, after rooming with her only to end up with her refusing to talk to him, how I could have ended up in the crazy situations I've been in. And even though he has just as few answers as me, it was at least nice to talk about it. Or maybe it just reminded me even more of all this crap. Who the hell knows. I said that several times today. Who the hell knows what will come of me, or anybody, or anything. I sure can't tell. I know what I want to happen, and I can hope, but who knows what good that will do. In the end, it's just me being a fool, and a lonely fool at that.

I went to sort my mail not long ago, and thought to file away all the e-mails from T into her own folder, like I did not long ago. I then realized that she's only sent me one e-mail since December 5. I thought to look at how many I've sent her--15. Many of them long, rambling e-mails. Is this some hint I'm refusing to see? Perhaps. I guess I'm stubbornly refusing to believe that the single person to whom I can say absolutely anything doesn't want to talk to me all that much. I don't particularly care if it's true, because I'd deny it anyway, I'm sure...

Hmmm. Change the subject, change the subject...I just realized that I'm leaving again tomorrow! I really hope that I didn't leave anything undone that I was hoping to do. I'm trying to remember what I had on my list to do...hmmm. Here goes:

And that's all I'm thinking of. I also had some other goals, I suppose, but those have all been gotten rid of, more or less. Things with my family did go surprisingly well, at least. Everyone seemed to be in good moods. I spent some time with T, though only what she wanted to spend with me, i.e., not very much, so that's been kind of neutral. And I'd probably rephrase something I said earlier--I don't think I really understand what's going on with her, but I do at least know, and I accept it. Or maybe I'm just splitting hairs here. But I can see what she's saying, though I don't fully understand the basis for it or even how she can carry through on it. It makes sense on one level, but not really, at least to me, on all practical levels. I guess I could say that I don't know how she does it. I guess having me far away, and much easier to ignore, helps a lot. She might say that that has nothing to do with it. Or maybe she wouldn't. I don't know...

Hmmm, so I suppose I didn't do all that good of a job of changing the subject. Well, I started off on something different, but it's pretty obvious what's on my mind. I feel rather ridiculous...oh, well. I wish I could think of a decent way to deal with this. And so I had this idea that my Christmas present to T could be a trip, back up to Montréal with me and stopping somewhere neat for New Year's Eve. But then she decided that she needs to date other people, so we can only be friends (and I realize that that was harsh, but I don't feel like deleting), and so on, and so I'm left with these tickets I've bought, wondering if she still wants to come...and whenever I've asked her, she's given me vague responses, like how she'd love to see Montréal in the winter, and so I don't really know what to make of that. Will she just get annoyed with me at some point on this trip, or something? Does she feel like I'm just bribing her to come back to Montréal with me? I certainly don't have all that much money to throw around, though I justified the tickets to myself somehow quite a while ago. I was just trying to think of a gift I could give her, and I had hoped a fun trip to all these interesting places would be something she'd enjoy. There was so much I had wanted to show her in Montréal, too, and DC, for a variety of reasons, had come to be this place that I really wanted to visit with her. We ended up not stopping there on our vacation last year, instead just going all the way to NYC, so that was part of it...and then I visited friends there on my own, in, ummm, September or October, at a point when I was feeling fed up with just about everything and hating who I was and where I was and what I was doing, and missing people I knew last year...but then I got there, and when we went out one night, I ended up missing T more than ever. And I've wanted to go back with her, and I thought maybe we could spend New Year's there, and oh, how I want a new year, since this one has had very few redeeming qualities. So, yeah, I can't forget this one...I just want a new one, good enough to make all that crap seem just like the past. Maybe I hope for too much; I certainly have no clue. I just had, at least until tonight, been very much looking forward to counting down in some crowd of people, and turning to T, smiling and saying, "Happy New Year!"


Shades of Gray