Yeah, so I went for a while without writing again. Another round of craziness has just kept me from sitting down at the computer long enough to write much of anything. So now I'll try to think of what's happened in, um, the last eight or nine days.

Oh, so last weekend was Messiah weekend, and was of course crazy. I sang a lot, but thankfully didn't have much work to do, otherwise, aside from the compsci assignment that I continue to avoid. I escaped Durham on Saturday to go see M in Chapel Hill, which was nice--Durham can be so suffocating at times. Chapel Hill's a neat town, though I seem to see more people I know there than I do here. In the past week I've seen three or four people from high school whom I hadn't seen in quite some time. Eeeeeentresting.

And this entry is going downhill, since I'm starting to make myself work on compsci. Will write more later, I'm sure...

and the world keeps spinning 'round--
a vicious cycle turning
some of them know love;
some of us know the burning down


So I of course ended up not writing more the other night. Oh, well. I did manage to finish my compsci assignment, at least. And M is coming over after she gets off from work, so I'm cleaning rather frantically. I let my room turn into a total dump...the current tally of items found in my room so far is 13 Dr Pepper cans, 7 2-litre bottles, 15 glasses and cups, 9 bowls, 11 spoons, 2 knives, a fork, and a can-opener. Oooops. Perhaps I should have cleaned earlier.

And I never did write about what's happened in the past two weeks. Let me think...I've been doing all sorts of stuff for Chorale, since we had a Christmas concert on Thursday, and I volunteered to be in charge of the food collection--it's free, but people bring food for the food kitchen--and so I had to go around and collect boxes twice this week. Then we had to truck it all downtown this morning, but we had enough people, so it wasn't too bad. Completely filled the bed of a large truck, though, plus the trunk of a car.

Need to check on laundry...

And now I only have, like, an hour to clean up this place! Eeeek. Must go. Will write later in the weekend.

when I look up at the stars at night
what could I find beyond the light--
a hundred million worlds that we ignore
who can restrain pleiades
or know the laws of heavenly's--
how many times have we been wrong before?


Whew. Stupid exams. One down, three to go--one of those tonight. I have seven hours to learn physics, though. No problem. Bio was pretty easy yesterday, though I took my time and stayed for two and a half hours or so. Then I was brutally honest on the courses evaluation. The course wasan incredible disappointment. I mean, sure, it's one thing to be bored by introductory physics, but population genetics really does interest me. And the poor professor sucked the life out of the material. Sigh. But, it's over. Physics exam at 7 PM tonight. Whee!

And I keep stopping, and not posting this, so I'm going to stop writing now, post it, and add more later.


This weekend was a lot of fun--science and math people came by and crashed at my house, and we stayed up late talking and watching crazy movies, eating a lot--let's see, Sati's pizza friday night, when we watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Labyrinth, McDonald's Drug Store shakes Saturday morning (made by this little old lady who's probably been making milkshakes for 50 years...soooo good), Torero's (mexican food) that afternoon, Krispy Kreme after we took G to the airport, then 411 West for dinner, which is one of my favorite restaurants, and I hadn't been there for a while. Oh, and right, Ben & Jerry's after that, and then we watched Water Drops on Burning Rocks and The Linguini Incident. Then! Northgate food court for lunch, and we wandered around there for while, then back here, to play Scrabble until we went to Elmo's for dinner, and Mad Hatter's in there somewhere. Dear God, I ate a lot this weekend. And we talked a lot, and watched some, ummm, "interesting" movies, and wandered around some.

It's interesting to interact with people I spent so much time with several years ago. They've changed in some ways, I suppose...we're all more "mature", though some have matured more than others. But in a lot of ways, these people haven't changed. They amuse me in the same ways they amused me before, and we still largely interact the way we did before, and just have fun. But it was an exhausting weekend. I probably got 7 or so hours of sleep a night, but I had such a backlog from last week that I could have used far more than that. Oh, well. I'll try to make up for it this week.

summer wind blowing the grass on the hill
when was the last time that I stood still?
the wondering comes and goes, but it's sometimes clear...

Hrm. I'm listening to Ty Tabor, but this doesn't quite fit my mood at the moment. I think I'll listen to Nanci Griffith.

life will once again make sense--
maybe tomorrow
I'll regain my confidence--
maybe tomorrow
true love is just around the bend,
but I really don't know when--
oh, maybe tomorrow,
but not today . . .

Anyway. Perhaps I lost my train of thought there. Can't recall. Kate is being adorable. I should take a shower, since it is almost 5:30, and all. I suppose I could actually do something today. Perhaps. I have an appointment with the career counselor person tomorrow, since I apparently just forgot completely about the one that I made back some time in November. I think I said I would revise my résumé for that. So, maybe I should do that...

Okay. Time to get up and do stuff. Or something.

Rita was sixteen years--
hazel eyes and chestnut hair
she made the Woolworth counter shine
Eddie was a sweet romancer, and a darn good dancer
they'd waltz the aisles of the five and dime

and they'd sing,
dance a little closer to me,
dance a little closer now,
dance a little closer tonight,
dance a little closer to me--
it's closing time and love's on sale
tonight at this five and dime . . .


I just want to remember you
The way you're standing there
With that hurry home look in your eyes
And flowers on the table

Sometimes I see too much
Sometimes I see too little
Sometimes shadows fall, darken all
And cover up the fable

I'm really liking this Jayhawks album...good stuff. And they're coming to Carrboro in January! Wheeeee! That means that there should be two good concerts in the next month and a half, because King's X will be here on February 5, too.

And I love you... thinking of you... bitter sweet
So I bury the feeling and empty my head
Just to sleep... too deep

Lord of the Rings was amazing. Absolutely wonderful. The only thing that I really felt could have been much better was the score, which was, well, okay, but nothing amazing. The rest of the film was amazing. In my opinion. I want to see it again tonight, if I can figure out how to get to a theater that will have tickets. Or maybe I'll just put it off until I can convince somebody else to go with me.

And I left sort of in mid-entry, but now I'm back. I have groceries now, finally! I had no food at all before. But, now I have food, to speak circularly. I also have a livejournal now, though I'm not at all sure what I want to do with that. It's slightly easier to put quick updates there, but I'll stick to mainly using this. I just wanted to get an account so I could bug friends of mine who use livejournal.

And now I'm listening to Big Wreck, which is just fun to listen to. Wheeee! Some amusing lyrics, too. I should look for a site with lyrics, since I don't think they're in the insert. Heehee. One chorus:

Stay with me
I think you'll understand
I can't hold you--
I've got broken hands

And I should really probably shave. I'm just feeling so incredibly lazy...I didn't shave all of last week, because I was busy with exams and all, and kept running out the door because I was late for something or another, so just never got around to it. And now, it'll take a while, because I have two weeks of growth, so I just avoid it. It doesn't bother me so much any more, now that it's not really coarse or anything. I just look like a fool.

I am so incredibly bored.

I called T's mother's house earlier, trying to see if she was around or something. I figured she might be staying there, and if not, they would know where she is. So, she wasn't there, of course, so I asked her stepfather where I might be able to contact her, and he said he thinks she's staying at her boyfriend's. And that was sort of an awkward moment. Heehee. I was like, oh, ummm, okay, thanks.

Okay, so, ummm, I think I'll just wait for her to try to contact me now.

Pretty much everybody I know is out of town now, except for my family, but I'll see them soon enough, and T, and she's busy, probably. So it's just me and the Katester for the evening. Woohoo. Party at my place!

I got an e-mail the other day from a guy who read my journal, just thanking me for putting up my thoughts and experiences and stuff. It was kind of nice to hear something like that, though I haven't responded or anything. I'm not really sure what to say in response, I guess.

I'm sort of having lots of short thoughts tonight. I keep marking paragraphs where thoughts end, and I'm getting lots of paragraphs...

Okay, I'm going to go try to find something else to do now.


Blah. Everything I write seems melodramatic now, so I should just avoid writing. Blah. I'm eating incredibly unhealthy food, listening to depressing music, and letting myself wallow in my, ummm, melodrama for a while longer. Then I'll get up and wash and run around and be happy. Or something.

Let me fall through your cracks again
but you only notice now and then
'cause I've made this mistake before
I was only comin' back for more

Oh, well. I'll get over it soon enough. And then I should think of something to do. Everybody's gone or leaving right now, so tomorrow should be exciting. I should do laundry, of course. And I'll sleep. Ahhhh...sleeep. Maybe I'll go do that now.


Blah. I feel so blah right now. I suppose it's mostly loneliness, with confusion tossed in, too. I guess a lot of it is the recurring wish that I could just have a relationship work out for once. I mean, now there's M, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm just sticking with her because this is the best I can do right now. Which it is, obviously. It's nice. She doesn't treat me poorly, or use me or manipulate me or anything, and I like her, and enjoy being with her....but. It doesn't seem to go beyond that, and that's what's so frustrating. I wish that was enough. Maybe it would be, if I had never known more; I don't know. Blah.


I love this Tracy Chapman album I picked up today...

I want to wake up and know where I'm going
Say I'm ready
Say I'm ready

I want to go where the rivers are overflowing and
I'll be ready
I'll be ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me

If the waters can redeem me
I'm ready
I'm ready
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me

I want to wake up
I want to know where I'm going
I want to go where the rivers are overflowing
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me

Shades of Gray